Posts Tagged ‘writing’

My wife slept in unusually late this morning, and when the need to go and inquire about her wellbeing overtook my longing to finish the morning’s dishes, I found her sitting, eyes still full of sleep wearing a smile upon her face. My daughter was laying beside her, so logically, I thought I was bearing witness to a mother’s bliss as she beheld the beautiful visage of tiny fingers and toes, and cooing and drool.

Still smiling, Whitney looked at me. For a moment, I thought that she was not merely enamored with that little baby, but also with me. I am worth enamoring over. Years of bliss must have been rushing through her mind flashing vivid images of the happiness I have given her. Like a dam swelling from the weight of the water seeking freedom from restraint, my soul was succumbing to growing tides of joy knowing the life I had given Whitney was fulfilling her needs. All was right in the world.

I walked softly toward her. Her smile grew with each step. In my head, I thought, “I am the freaking man!” This woman. This single woman thought I was the only man in the world. To her, I was the center of the universe, a sun whose gravitational pull provided the order to her world she needed to survive. Arriving bedside, I lovingly rambled, “look at you, happy girl!” In response, Whitney smiled the coy grin of a teenager half her age who just got passed a note from a boy in class. When Whitney is really smiling, I mean smiling the kind of genuine smile that derives itself from sincere joy, her eyes bend upwards, hinging from the inner and ever so gently form a beautiful slant. She wore that kind of smile as she said the following words:

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson came to me last night. Oh, my lord Jesus, he was loving him some Whitney, and we weren’t getting it on either. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was courting me. You see, Heath, I need to be courted. I need to be courted again by you. He said, ‘Girl, I don’t know up from down when I’m with you!’ And then, the best part, we played baseball together…It. Was. Awesome. I need to be courted like that.

There is something to be learned in all of this. Firstly, Whitney is an odd girl to court. Baseball and cliches? I can do that. And secondly, I need to look like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to give Whitney all that bullshit happiness I described above at such length. Actually, I guess there is a third and most important lesson: The Rock is not welcome in my home starting today.

I got some baseball to play, I’m out.

I just wanted you to know, because I’ve been holding it in for years…


I was sitting down and enjoying my morning cup of coffee and watching the news. The show I was watching had an interview session where guests were talking about something that I can’t remember. I can’t remember what the topic was because the person being interviewed planted a bomb in my head, a verbal IED that exploded leaving me confused and helpless. The guest was asked a question about where the product she invented came from to which she replied, “We were on a worldwind vacation.”

Worldwind Vacation. Worldwind vacation. As these words tumbled from this misguided woman’s mouth, I just kept thinking about how many young children are wandering the planet now thinking that that is the actual statement. I wanted to reach into the screen and choke the woman out while yelling, “WHIRLWIND. IT’S WHIRLWIND, YOU CRAZY FREAKSHOW!!!!” I wanted to interrogate this woman and ask her what she thought the statement meant just to see if she even knew what she was conveying. I would have been even angrier if she had the right definition, but couldn’t put it all together and come to the startling conclusion that her root words didn’t add up.

Worldwind, you make me sick. This woman was in her thirties, so for just less than three decades, this woman has been pilfering the minds of everyone she has ever entered into conversation with. If I had the chance for retribution, I would make it such a huge scene that all of the innocent victims of her verbal belligerence would dance in the streets at their new found mastery of the English language.

I have a sneaking suspicion that if I peel back the layers and peak into the day to day conversation this woman partakes in, I would find her using statements like the following:

1) “Supposebly, the movie is going to begin at around noon.” Seriously. People who use this phrase have taken the word “supposed” and then dropped the “d,” added a “b” and threw on an “ly” to complete the new adverb. I also know that some people use this thinking that it is “supposably,” which they write off as being a combination of suppose and able. This combination operates under the idea something is able to be supposed. I am not a genius, that is my wife, but I understand that if you drop the “ly,” and the remaining word doesn’t exist you have made a mistake at some point. I am not trying to make this a worldwind lesson in grammar, but help me help you.

2) “Supposably, irregardless is a word, regardless of the fact that it conveys the same idea that regardless already does…” Seriously, people. Irregardless. The worst part is that I have said this word on accident and I hazed myself on the spot. I felt like I committed word adultery on the real word, regardless. The use of irregardless when combined with supposably should have made you stop reading this, but you are shamelessly continuing because you love me and feel like you have to read in case I run into you in public and we have a worldwind conversation about my blog’s subjects.

3) Somebody once told me they were a “diamond in the roth.” The saddest part about this statement is that I actually doubted my own version of the statement. “Could it be for years I have been saying ‘diamond in the rough’ when it is actually roth? “ I was a nervous wreck. In this worldwind moment in my life, everything I thought I was came into question.  Needless to say, it was a very roth period in my life.

4) “I get really flustrated when people use the wrong words.” This is just moronic. So because the word, flustered exists, and it means to be confused, or overwhelmed, when you get irritated and unhappy with something, it must be flustrated, right? I don’t want to be overly critical or roth on you, but supposably, you all should care about sounding stupid.

5) A coworker told me that a situation I was dealing with was a “Blessing in the skies.” I just stood there looking up……

6) “Fill out the form perbatum.” I feel like people who use this just aren’t listening to what is going on. But, this word could make sense, I guess. Still, it doesn’t exist, and supposably that should be enough for us.

I want to end this on a different note. Pacifically speaking, I want you to no that using the improper word happens and sometimes it is inavoidable. Irregardless of how rushed we are, we need to take the thyme out of this worldwind life to get things write. So, when you sit down to dinner and eat you’re pasketti, during you’re dinner conversation, speak good english, and you’re kids will grow up right. I just wanted ewe to no, because I have been holding it in for years.