Posts Tagged ‘drinking’

We have become hikers. We haven’t become the hikers who have the shoes, knitted socks, and professional style walking sticks. We haven’t become the hikers who forage off of the land as we hike through it. As hikers, we are somewhat novice, but the cool thing about hiking is that you kind of practice for it every time you walk, because hiking is just a walk. Except, hikes are a walk where you constantly worry about snakes, your hydration, dying from the elements, an accidental wrong turn and subsequent three day search for your hypothermic and near lifeless body, and in my case, you have to worry about your wife trying to murder you.

If one was to get overly technical, the murder was probably warranted, but nonetheless, it added a new and somewhat unsuspected dimension to hiking. Like I said, we have become hikers. It wasn’t the result of a process of thought and in-depth research, it was a spur of the moment decision that hiking is what all the cool kids do, the realization, that we are also cool, and therefore should be hikers. So last weekend, we hiked, and what I want to relay to you in this edition of LifeasIKnowit is what hiking is all about. Maybe after reading this, you will all feel so inclined as to start off on a more active lifestyle. This entry would go down in the category of self-help, and it will be well worth your time to continue, trust me, I wrote it, I know how it ends. Plus, I went hiking with Whitney, the reoccurring character who plays my wife in previous blogs.

Hiking starts off with a bunch of happy hippies on a trail eating granola to carboload for the impending trek into nature’s bowels. Hiking probably actually starts off a day or two previous to the hike in question. I picture people preparing by packing their little hiking packs with water, snacks, compasses, random survivally things. Hiking probably starts with the hikers drinking water to prepare for said hike. All of these things are important for those interested in hiking, and as is to be expected, none of these were things we decided to do. I am being less than truthful, we drank a lot of beer and wine in preparation for the hike, which may have covered the carboloading portion of preparation, but defeated the hydration portion of prepping. (Although, Whitney believes that drinking is a great hydrator as it leaves your pee clear).

Everybody is happy at the beginning of a hike. There is much to be excited about. The trail is pretty, and you feel so productive that you can’t stand it! You walk about three hundred feet and you happen upon your first group of hikers who are finishing up the same hike. You try not to notice that they look like undead versions of the same group of hippies starting at the time you did. They walk, dragging their left legs along beside them. They do not talk; instead, they mumble and grunt loud guttural booms of sound from their respective diaphragms. You try not to notice the dog that probably started out walking with them, but whose lifeless body is now being dragged just behind their left legs. You are blind to this, and you quest on.

You are given one more seemingly innocent, yet foreboding warning of things to come when Whitney, who is walking like a professional walker–hands up and dangling, while breathing in a perfect rhythm who-who-hee-hee, says, “Do you think we should have brought sandwiches?” All you can do at this point is continue to fall in love with your own plan, or lack thereof. “We will be fine with what we have brought (which consists of a Nalgene bottle and, well that’s pretty much it.)”

You walk another half mile and the trail starts something alarming. The trail begins to go from a nice, flat and enjoyable walk, to an alarming incline and group of switchbacks. To give you a point of reference, the incline is the same incline Sisyphus was forced to push the boulder up in mythology, or more simply stated, the incline is the same walk you would have to walk, perpetually in hell (you can keep going, but it generally sucks). There was no gradual increase in incline, nature just reached out and smacked you in the face with itself. Softly and sweetly, in the back of your head you can still hear Whitney’s question echoing, “Do you think we should have brought sandwiches?”

You are now halfway up the mountain. You have stopped to rest and the pleasant blush resulting from the increase blood flow has turned into relentless panting and random words in between. Where once there was loving conversation between two happily married people, there is pretty much only the sound of contempt ridden scowls. People walk by you and for just a split second, you make it look like nothing is breaking you, like this is easy.

Another hiker on her way down passes and does it. She plants the time bomb. “Be careful,” she says. “I just about stepped on a snake. They disguise themselves so well.” So now, what was a quick moving pace has slowed to the exact same pace that those poor soldiers who search for land mines must walk. Our eyes never leaving the ground, dismally marking every square centimeter of the trail–this would be a part of my hell. “Do you think we should have brought sandwiches?” Still echoing.

What seems like four hours later you reach the top. Some experienced hikers are looking out at the view–it is beautiful. You smell marijuana. Some kids are smoking it while philosophizing over life’s meaning. You pan around the area and realize the problem with a hike. When you hike, once you get to the top, you still have to go back. You look to your left and see a group of jerks doing something just to rub their planning in your face. They are eating sandwiches. You turn Whitney around quickly and we start back down. You think you can hear something about sandwiches coming from Whitney, but you just press onward. If you ever thought down can’t be as hard as up, you are dead wrong. Down becomes a torturous near free fall that shoves your entire foot into the front one third of your shoes. You are like a Chinese woman with bound feet. Down sucks.

You find that you are about thirty feet ahead of Whitney. You stop and wait for her to catch up. She nears, and you notice that she is wearing kind of an empty look, like no one is home. You start to talk and before you can get out three words she says, “Unless you have a sandwich, I don’t think you should say a god damned word to me!”

As you near the end of the trail, you are both dragging our left foot behind us and grunting nightmarish sounds from our diaphragms. The group just starting, shoving sandwiches into their packs, still joyful and excited asks, “How was it?” You grunt at them and continue your zombie walk. There, just ahead of you is your truck. You have accomplished what you set out to do. Your marriage is stronger because of your lack of planning, right? Whitney looks at you and says, “I am godawful miserable right now.” Yes, you answer yourself. Not planning for the hike was a great decision for your marriage. But we are hikers now. Tested in the flames of hell.


This morning, as is my usual, I found myself in a war with a high school student, who is probably smarter than I am. To avoid sounding like an internet predator, this high school student is a family friend of ours. Long story short, I found myself going back in forth with her in a war of words. Sounds easy, and more importantly it sounds like I should have won, right? Well, in my head, it sounds like I should have. The great equalizer is we only fought in Haiku form. People, this means that 17 syllables are all I had to desecrate my enemy. Well, I lost, oddly enough; I lost because I miscounted syllables on two occasions. Sometimes six syllables looks a lot like five syllables. I even put my hand under my lower jaw and spoke the haiku, counting every time my mouth opened to monitor syllables. What a failure.

Anyways it got me thinking, I need practice, so I now present to you ten Haikus about my life dealing with a pregnant wife, who I love. Each are works of art that you should print out and put by your bed to wake to every morning. I fully expect that these Haikus will be used in the poetry section of your children’s high school English class, so you might as well read it to them now. The meaning of each can go in so many directions, and moreover, they really speak to my mastery of the English language.

1. Pregnant Morning Rising

 I wake to Whitney.

She wants to be fed right now.

She wants some pickles.

2. What She Said Part One

I peed ten times and

I again feel the need to

Pee. You’re a bastard.

3. Bladder River Dance, What She Said Part Two

Baby is dancing

on my bladder, I think I

just peed a little.

4. What She Said Last Night Part One

We have reached a point

Where I need back and foot rubs.

I’ll find a boyfriend.

5. What She Said Last Night Part Two

I hope our kid is

Psychic, so she can make us

Rich like real housewives. (Real is one syllable).

6. My Husband, the Slumlord (A Haiku from Whitney’s Perspective)

I hate picking up

After you in the kitchen.

You are weak sauce, Heath.

7. Air Conditioning Is Not Free

Pregnant chicks cannot

Ever get comfortable.

House is freezing now.

8. Your Cologne is Disgusting (A Haiku from Whitney’s Perspective)

Although I bought it,

I hate your cologne. It makes

Me throw up in mouth.

9. Pregnancy Fetish (A Haiku from Heath’s Perspective)

Pregnant Girls are the

Sexiest girls in the world.

I want ten babies.

10. Falling Down

Pregnant women seem

To trip on everything.

They are a menace. These took me at least 15 minutes to write, so I expect you will need hours to explicate their individual meanings and how they have impacted you. Your assignment for the evening is to pick your favorite and let me know how it affected you. Its due first thing in the morning. I just wanted you to know, because I have been holding it in for years.

1. Anything that reminds me I may be lazy. For example, looking down at my odometer and realizing that I am still very delinquent in getting an oil change for my car. I always rationalize my procrastination by blaming the Jiffy Lube for recommending oil changes more often than required so that customers come back and not because your car actually needs oil. How important is lubrication for an engine anyway? The sticker that Jiffy Lube puts on the corner of my windshield is a constant reminder of my pathetic inability to complete required man-tasks. Of note, I utilize the procrastination method on all of the following things:

a. water filters for purifications systems,

b. air filters replacements for anything requiring air filters,

c. tire rotations,

d. contact lenses and their recommended life spans,

e. going to the doctor for anything, dentist visits,

f. Anything with a due date, besides bills, but Whitney is too smart to test me on this and runs all of my finances.

2. Losing my wallet and keys every morning. Like clockwork, I come home from work, and put my keys somewhere. I don’t know where I put them, but I know I try to put them somewhere I won’t forget. Needless to say, they elude me every day. I actually start stressing out about their location in the wee early hours of the morning and wake up terrified I will not be able to find them. My father initially, and subsequently my wife have attempted to fix the problem by setting up a habitual place for the keys to go, but I didn’t want any more habits, so I choose not to participate in their feeble attempt at an intervention. Now when Whitney sees that I have placed my keys in a weird area, she says the following, “I know a place where your keys are that you’ll never be able to find them in.”

3. Abused Animal commercials. If it were solely up to me, I would own seventy dogs. I cannot even go to the Humane Society; I am not allowed there because I will adopt a pet or two. I love pets more than humans.

4. Drinking excessive beer and forgetting an entire night’s events. I recommend reading yesterday’s blog.

5. The little ball things inside of Okra.

6. People who write checks still.

7. People who don’t return their cart to the cart receptacle. I think we should be allowed to shoot them. I want vigilante justice on laziness, except when the laziness I mentioned in the aforementioned list on my laziness.

8. People who talk on their phones in public, but worse yet, people who use the ear thing to talk on their phones in public. I am sorry if you do this. You need to fix yourself at the earliest opportunity. When you do this, it makes me think of how vulnerable to attack you are. You need to practice making yourself into a harder target. In the military we call this Anti-terrorism Force Protection (ATFP). Start thinking like I do. Like every day, someone is trying to sneak up on you and bludgeon you to death. I will admit that this makes you react weird when someone runs by you or approaches you in any manner, friendly or unfriendly, but you are safer, trust me. I haven’t been bludgeoned to death yet, so I am a great example of my plan’s effectiveness.

9. Long Eye Closers. People who say something to you, but condescendingly close their eyes while they say it. I am not talking blinking; I am talking a prolonged closure of the eyelids. Their statements usually start with, “Well, when I do…..” and the statements are usually covering the “long eye closer’s” ability to do anything you do, but do it better.

10. People who go to the gym during peak hours and take up more than one machine. I would like to shoot these people. It should be acceptable and hold up in a court of law. On the same subject: I don’t like people doing any workout that could be done outside, inside. I don’t trust people who actually stop to gauge their heart rate during gym activity. People who don’t re-rack their weights are also shootable.

11. People who are naturally good swimmers. These are the worst type of people. But we all agree on this, so I won’t elaborate.

12. The feeling of chafing and it is only 0800 in the morning. You know this is going to be a long day.

13. The fact that Katy Perry is making a movie documenting her hardships…..

I just wanted you to know because I have been holding it in for years.