Things I swear to God I will do, or things I swear to God I want to do:

Posted: September 22, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

  1. I swear to God I will bring up to people I see in the future that have un-friended me on Facebook the fact that they un-friended me on Facebook.  Facebook lets passive aggressive people feel powerful because they never have to talk to someone face to face.  I am going to force people to confront their actions head on and own them.  I am going to do it right off too, and then I promise I will let it go.  I am going to say to them, “Hey, brother, it’s good to see ya, why did you un-friend me?”  To make it more awkward, I won’t tell them I don’t really care that they did it.
  2. I want to pick a random friend I have on Facebook and copy word for word every post they put on their wall.  I want to do this until it makes them awkward and then I want them to un-friend me.  Then, I will confront them about it if and when we run into each other in the real world. 
  3. I swear to God, I will never run a marathon.  I don’t care if running a marathon becomes as popular as Bieber, I will never run one.  Of note, I will run a marathon if the zombie apocalypse happens and it is required of me to survive.  However, I will only run it just faster than one person more than the amount of zombies that are chasing us.  To clarify:  if six zombies are chasing me and a group of nine others, I only need to run finish the marathon in fourth place.  If a group of twenty zombies are chasing a group of ten survivors, I will injure some of my fellow survivors in hopes that more than one zombie will crowd around the fallen survivor and this will allow me a window to escape. 
  4. I swear to God, I will choose the persons that I injure based off of a well defined thought process of how much each survivor offers to the group.  Or, if you didn’t laugh at my jokes, you will be injured. 
  5. I swear to God that I want to get in a fight at a diner to defend my wife’s honor.  I want to be sitting in a circular chair that is attached to the floor that spins.  As the individual attempts to subjugate my wife’s honor, I will spin around and quote a bible verse, but I want the bible verse to be relevant only in a manner that takes a second to comprehend.  Like, I spin around and say, “Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s.”  This relates.  It is a biblical way of saying, “I am going to tax your ass.”  Or it’s a biblical way of saying, “dude, you should pay your taxes, because you should avoid breaking the law.”  Either way, there is a second where the subjugator of my wife’s honor is going to struggle to find relevance in my ramblings–enter my fists of rage.
  6. I swear to God that interpretive dancing makes little to no sense to me.  If you are doing your own interpretive dance routine and mess up, do you really mess up?  It all looks like you are just doing the next thing that pops into your head anyway.  If the next thing that you think of is to fall down clumsily, then you just did it.  Its dancing. 
  7. I swear to God, I want to join a hip-hop dance troop and design a routine for said troop.  I want to get involved in a horrible romantic relationship with the lead dancer that causes the rest of the group to suffer.  Right before the big day where we reveal our dance, that I created the lead dancer and I have a falling out that jeopardizes the entire show.  Everything is in chaos, will the show happen?  Will my hot female dance lead and I be able to get our stuff together in time and have a dance performance that gets us into dance college?  I don’t know.  Dance is a tough, tough world for lovers. 
  8. I swear to God that I will be better about judging other people before I talk to them.  I have this horrible habit of assuming that all people are not worth my while, initially.  To clarify:  I will not do better about my judgment of the teenagers, because the teenagers are bat-shit crazy.  The worst part about teenagers is that they keep growing more of themselves.
  9. I swear to God that when I get famous, I will take the 50 dedicated readers of this blog with me like MC Hammer did in the early nineties.  I will take care of all of you.  I will buy you houses and let you hang out all the time by my dollar sign shaped pool.  It will be like a mix between Adam Sandler movies and Hannah Montana.  I was thinking about it the other day when driving to work.  When I drive to work, I like to think about things that will never happen.  It starts when I am singing the song that is playing on the radio, and singing it ten times better than the person being paid to sing it (in my head).ed  I have full on fantasies about it like in Saved by the Bell when Zach Morris and his crazy gang of friends form that band, Zach Attack.   I go through the entire rise to fame and subsequent life of drug induced turmoil, and then finally realize that I was happy all along.  However,
  10. I swear to God that when I get rich and famous, I will not regret being rich and famous.  Money absolutely can buy my happiness.  I am a petty, petty man.
  11. I swear to God that I will put more thought into this blog in the future. 

I just wanted you to know, because I have been holding it in for years.

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Comments
  1. baz says:

    This post made me want to keep reading it, then it stopped all of a sudden. Then it closed with my thought that you should have put more thought, . Until the next… I have bait smelling breath.

  2. I am stealing your idea on “random biblical quotes prior to fighting” … I will put it to good use I promise …

  3. I was picturing a scene where you’re defending your wife’s honor, and right in the middle of that you spontaneously turn into Samuel Jackson (circa Pulp Fiction). That would be awesome!

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