Me being Ann Landers to anyone willing to read:

Posted: August 18, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
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I have had a ton of time to think about a thousand things.  My new life involves me sitting still on a roadway called Interstate 95.  The freeway is awesome.  It has this unbelievable ability to ruin every bit of momentum you had going for you at any point during the day.  A friend of mine had a good point.  She told me that she read a billboard sign the first time she was stuck in traffic that said, “You are not stuck in traffic; you are traffic.”  The idea itself is cool because it makes everything better.  Now, when I sit on a freeway going zero miles per hour, I am happy because I realize it is partly my fault that what is going on is going on.  None of what I have written is true.  What I have written is a nice way of saying that Interstate 95 can go straight to hell, and it can do this right now.

I wish I was Ann Landers, or more importantly, I wish I knew what she was really like.  I would write columns answering people’s questions, and everyone would listen.  I would become an icon for offering advice to people, but the irony, would be that I would do it through my wife and my relationship.  So, really, any reason I was successful would be because Whitney actually said it first.

We are unpacking things in the new Phillips’ Household.  Things are really coming together, and I know that more than anything going on in all of your lives today, you were all concerned that I was still unsettled with respect to a home.  I mean, for the love of God, I was living in a trailer with a pregnant woman—a pregnant woman I love, but nonetheless, a pregnant woman who is pregnant.  Whitney has been extremely smart lately in her ability to make things happen at the house.  I have realized a couple of things about her tactics.

You see, I have been in a school that studies the Art of War for about three weeks.  Of news to me, The Whitness is a graduate from advanced schools of warfare.  She is tactically and technically proficient.  She is both capable of a full on “total war” or warfare much farther left on the spectrum.  I have fell victim to her prowess in her ability to ninja my brain.

As we were deciding where certain items in our living room would go, she would use phrases like, “Are WE sure WE want the lamp to go there.”  So innocently said, but Whitney was so direct in her intent.  Her statement actually means, “That lamp will go there when I am dead and gone, trust me, it is not worth a fight.”  The best part about Whitney is that when I propose that she is using ninja skills to make the lamp go where she wants it, she immediately retreats to a different type of war, a war where her eyes open widely and she flirtingly says, “That lamp would ruin your ability to see the Bears play from the kitchen….”  She is an evil woman, like the Santana song from the 70’s, albeit if you ask her what the song is called, she is convinced it is called “Medieval Woman.”  I actually called my dad during the argument over this, and of course won the argument, but somehow simultaneously, I had lost!  That should have been the red flag that my wife is a Spartan warrior.  It was the warning that I needed to know I was going to marry the most effective war fighter in the history of mankind.  I have read books about less effective generals who won wars for countries.    It got me thinking about my pregnoid wife.  What other warnings were there about this unbelievable woman?  Then as I was thinking, I started realizing the world needed to know about my wife’s skills. Then I started thinking that I needed a venue to come up with a place to tell the world about Whit.  Then I started to realize that I was a famous blog writer with over 10 loyal readers (although my readership sharply declined during the Olympics).

The only problem was that Whitney is ninja, so there is no history of her skills in handing out death.

People, if you are going to marry somebody, you have to do your research.  You have to know what you are getting yourself into.  I married a tactician. Whitney knows how to work within relationships, but the thing about Whitney is that she also is the most honest and loyal tactician there is.  This translates to one thing:  She will only use her power to get furniture where it needs to go or against someone who is trifling with her family.  Now that being said, she will also use it against teenagers who work at cash registers who don’t greet the customer properly.  You can read about this in earlier blog posts.  There are people who use their powers for good and there are those who chose a much more sinister path.   For example, I saw early on that Whitney was an integrity monger, and this is one of her most “annoying” habits.  She cannot stand liars.  She always used to say, “omissions are betrayals.”  However, if “not liking liars” is a red flag, there is another issue altogether, and it is not the problem of the person who despises liars.  Maybe, the only red flags should have been for Whitney, when she had to tell me, “omissions are betrayals…”  I’m rambling, but the point is this, I knew from the get-go who this woman was.  She was going to hold me accountable, and unfortunately when you are evaluating red flags about a person you think is marryiable, you have to be honest with yourself.  In my case, maybe the best thing for me was somebody who told it like it was.

I met Whitney’s mom before we moved in with each other and entered into a life of sin….but, I asked permission.  When I talked to her mom, I quickly realized that Whitney was her mother’s daughter.  My mother-in-law is eloquent with her words, but holds no punches.  Whitney has always been this person to me—an eloquently spoken conscience.   I knew going into our marriage, that if I was going to be less than a good person, I was going to be held accountable.

I guess what I am saying is this:  Before you are going to drag your wife or significant other from their house and home and make them move with you somewhere, or before you let someone else do this to you,  you need to know the magic about and behind the person you are doing it with.  You need to pull the curtain back and find out who the great and powerful Oz really is.  You need to know what their history says about them, and I guess more importantly, you need to know that in most cases, people are not going to change drastically enough for you to waste the heartache and pain on the prospect that they can surprise you, and have left their wicked ways behind.  All the signs when I was dating Whit pointed to the fact that she would kill a person for her family, and that she would do it like a ninja.  I knew what I was getting into, and I am glad I did.  My wife is a trained killer, who is not for hire, she is all mine….

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Comments
  1. Frieda says:

    Awsome story, thanks for sharing 🙂

  2. Ha! I have relatives in northern Virginia. That highway is worse than any highway I’ve found in NYC or LA. It is not built for the amount of traffic it gets, and I’ve been in traffic jams on 95 at 10 in the morning on a Saturday no less.

    On the plus side, it does give one a lot of time to think… and plot ways to avoid their wife’s master negotiating skills. 🙂

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