You’re Moving On Up to the Eastside…

Posted: July 19, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Boxes are piled everywhere.  Tape being pulled from the roll makes a screeching sound that is now beginning to echo throughout the emptying house.  Through the window of the back door, two dogs watch confusedly, as movers move in and out of their home.  You can smell the cigarette smoke clinging to the workers as they pass by you weaving in and out of the crooked towers of boxes.  Deadlines:  must meet deadlines.  A small lingering anxiety lurks just above the Phillips’ House.  Moving day is here and you cannot run from yourself today.  Couches are gone; you just ate a chicken breast while dipping it in hot wing sauce.  You are trying to eat everything in your kitchen which makes for very random combinations of food.  For mid morning snack, you had olives meant for martinis and shredded cheese from a bag.  Delicious.  You next think about putting warm water and rice in your mouth and holding it there until it softens just to get rid of the rice you have acquired over two years.

Why do you have so much vegetable oil?  These are the moments you curse the invention of Sam’s Club.    You think to yourself, “How many children are starving to death right now that would love to have the vegetable oil excesses that you have in your pantry?”  Will I be arrested if I go out back and pour the vegetable oil into the yard?  It is a vegetable… 

The second you see them pack up your treadmill you think, “damn, I could be running right now.”  The following second you spend trying to remember the last time you used the treadmill for running and not just hanging clothes on while you ironed. 

All is not lost.  You have a plan, and your plan is stellar.  You are going to put your pregnant wife, Shepherd Dog, Blue Heeler, and three legged Chihuahua right into the middle of a three day road trip.  To make things easier, you have a 33ft RV that when actually placed on the road feels 50 feet plus.  Your RV has been nothing but a source of excitement between your pregnoid wife and you, but you think to yourself, “that’s just because we haven’t spent enough time in it….yeah, that’s it.”  You ask the truck driver packing your stuff up for advice on pulling a trailer and the advice he offers you leaves you wanting.  His answer, “Don’t piss the truck drivers off.”  The second he says this, you think of the movie Joyride where an evil and vengeful trucker takes his wrath out on a couple drivers. 

Luckily for you, your wife is pretty good at being pregnant.  Yesterday, she watched the packers loading things into boxes and fell asleep because of how hard the work was.  Later, you overhear her say to the neighbor, “I know I look like I just woke up, but the movers are here and it has been exhausting.”  At this moment, you flash back to earlier when she was sleeping next to you.  She was snoring and the movers actually tried to work in silence out of fear of a pregnant woman, which I understand.  The movers are here to do a service for you and you appreciate them for it.  When one of the mover’s phone rings, she apologizes profusely.  You say to her, “no, it is okay, you are working hard.”  She replies immediately and without thought, “Sir, I have been pregnant, and she deserves some quiet while she sleeps.”  You realize at that moment the following:  All women who have bore children are naturally against all men who haven’t. 

All women who have bore children are naturally against all men who have not.  What a great sentence.  You take another bite of your chicken and this time you dip it into mayonnaise.  You do this because you have two jars of mayonnaise, and you have to get rid of it.  You think about leaving a box of random noodles (you find six boxes of angel hair pasta), mayonnaise, and vegetable oil on your neighbor’s doorstep and then running.  You wish that your wife was here so you could watch her pregnantly trip over boxes and try and fit through areas her belly won’t let her smoothly travel through, but she is not, because she has abandoned you for girl time with friends.  All friends of women who have bore children who have also bore children themselves are natural enemies of all men who have not.

You look down and dip your chicken into vegetable oil, because you have to get rid of it…

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Comments
  1. Baz says:

    Must be nice to be able to have movers come… I’ve always relied on favors friends owe me to accomplish moving house. Scary thought to have complete strangers wander around with your shorts, and socks in a box; but also, who cares what they think because you don’t have to lift and pack the whole truck worth of boxes and furniture.
    Good advice about the trailer hauling… I just bought a pop-up tent trailer today. It’s only about 15′ long with the tongue though. We’ll be using it to road trip to NM, along with our 4 dogs. I’m guessing traveling with 4 dogs and a female, would not be so tenuous as traveling with 3 dogs and a pregers Whitney. Also, your blog is more interesting now that you have had a babymoon, and a pending move to HQ.
    Patiently awaiting your next installment sir.

  2. Lisa says:

    Yummm. Chicken dipped in vegetable oil. Add a little garlic salt and you can practically call yourself a gourmet chef! Good luck with the move! 🙂

  3. I feel for Whitney. I swear that for the last month of each pregnancy I was basically a high-functioning narcoleptic. Eat food. Sleep. Shower. Take a nap. Go to the store. Put home groceries. Take another nap. The last month is just horrible. And we also moved into our first house at 35 weeks pregnant. That means I did a lot of stuff you’re not supposed to do, like moving furniture around, and I remember standing on ladders drilling holes for the curtain rods… Followed by napping, of course.

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