Whitneypalooza Continues….

Posted: July 17, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Smack dab plus two in the middle of July, 198 or 199 days into the year depending on whether it is a Leap Year or not, 167 days remaining to shed in the year are all other ways that you could say July 17.  July 17th holds a lot of meaning to me.

For the following reasons, July 17th is one of my favorite days.

In 1933, after successfully crossing the Atlantic Ocean, the Lithuanian research aircraft Lituanica crashes in Europe under mysterious circumstances.  In 1944, Port Chicago disaster: Near the San Francisco Bay, two ships laden with ammunition for the war explode in Port Chicago, California, killing 320.  One of my favorite events is South Korea proclaiming its constitution in 1948.  We cannot forget that the Harvard School of Dentistry was established on this date in 1867.  Of course, we all come together on this day to commemorate the day in 1717 when King George I sailed with 50 musicians on a barge down the River Thames on the opening day of Handel’s Water Music.    (things in this paragraph were stolen from Wikipedia somewhat illegally in that I did not properly cite it.  The underlined words are indicative that I cut and pasted material directly from the site.)

I contend however that what today is really about is Whitney Phillips.  At 0705 in the morning after a night of pizza eating and walking, a sexy pregnant lady named Valerie gave birth to Whitney Waters.  Named after the highest summit in the contiguous United States, Whitney quickly rose into her name.  Her old name was beautiful to me, and rang of a really cool porn star name.  Although, Valerie doesn’t know that I think that….until now.    To be fair, Val, I am not the only one to think this, just sayin. 

I celebrate Whitney today, and truthfully, I have been celebrating her since July 1st, because in our home, Whitney gets one month to herself.  I am thankful that the child she is carrying around in her belly was not born this month.  Whitney would have had trouble sharing; I actually think that she secretly holds Independence Day in contempt.  On the 4th, when people tell her “Happy Fourth,” Whitney replies with, “and a happy 13 Days to my birthday to you….”  She always gets confused when the fireworks in her honor are accompanied by patriotic music and not the soundtrack to her favorite movie, Dirty Dancing.

So in the spirit of Whitney Month, I wanted to give you a few facts about who you should be celebrating.

  1. 1.        Whitney hates how loud my sneezes are.  When she blesses me, she says, “Bless you.”  The tone with which she says it to me is consistent with the following phrase, “I can’t stand it when you sneeze anywhere near me.  It makes me question what I ever liked about you.  I am this close to walking out the door, but I am carrying your baby, and I don’t want to take her away from her father.”
  2. 2.       Whitney is a tip toe runner.  I make fun of her for it, but she has glorious calves, which only accentuates the fact that my calves are made up purely of shin bone…
  3. 3.       Whitney taught her 5th graders to say Psalms where the “S” is silent.  There are a group of about 22 kids going into the sixth grade that are extremely well versed in their Palms.
  4. 4.       Whitney would rather me make her a homemade card than spend a thousand dollars on clothing or accessories.  Of course, this does not mean that she doesn’t want to spend thousands of dollars on clothing and accessories; she just doesn’t seem to think my taste in the aforementioned items is quite right.  Go figure.  That being said, Whitney dresses me nicely.  I would probably still dress like it is the grunge era, because in my head I am the coolest…Luckily, in Whitney’s head, I am a guy with questionable taste in clothes. 
  5. 5.       Whenever I raise my hand in a manner as if I was going to slap Whitney ( Pimps do this…), she puts her hand in the air and says, “How,” like a Native American greeting.  To me, this means the threat of me hitting her isn’t being taken seriously enough.  Unfortunately, I was only operating on what I might do, not on what I would actually do.  Now, I just look stupid.  We have actually turned it into our own little high five.
  6. 6.       Whitney is an example of the things I wish I consistently was.  She is the kind of woman who would tell someone who is littering to pick it up.  She will tell a concession worker at a theater that in customer service, the cashier should actually greet the consumer.  She tows a line and holds herself accountable.  I cannot lie; the better parts of me are that way because The Whitness won’t let the slack up. 
  7. 7.       Whitney pees with the door open, and if I ruin the moment, she gets as mad about it as she has for the worst of things I have ever done to her.  Don’t tell her I wrote this down—she might think this was personal…

So, tonight while you are gathered around the Whitney Tree drinking spirits and engaging in riveting tales of forgotten lore all in celebration of Whit, I encourage you to remember what you are celebrating for.  It is not just another Tuesday.  It is the day that marks the reason most of you even read these blogs.  Whitney.  30 years of being completely unique.  30 years of living out the name her mom gave her…not the porn star version, but the strength associated with the mountain that sits majestically overlooking California from a vantage point of over 14,000 feet.  Happy Birthday, Whitney!  We’re all going to continue looking up to you for many years to come.

Let me end this with my favorite Palm.  Palm 717 Verse 1982.  The Lord created The Whitness…..

  1. I love the “palm” at the end! #6… I just don’t have the guts to say this. Can you send Whitney up to New York for a week, so she can tell people off for me? I promise I will feed her, and my kids can be like her practice kids for a little while.

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