When You Wish Upon A Star: Part 1 of however many this ends up being….

Posted: July 15, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
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The ferry to The Magic Kingdom lumbered ahead pushing the water out of its way forcing it to ripple away from the bow as if to send a warning to the distant shore of our arrival.  Above, the weight of a bazillion people, half of which were students from foreign countries waiting excitedly for the impending magic of Disney, placed a noticeable strain on the ferry’s engine.  Mounted on the horizon stood the most recognizable feature in all of Disney, the famed castle we all recognize from the beginning to our favorite movies.  The tower seemed to grow bigger as we approached and I am not going to lie, if the chatter from the zillion teenage girls encroaching into my personal space without remorse were to die down, you may have heard a sigh of satisfaction, but the girls would never shut their mouths, and they would only continue to get up in my personal space. 

To my right, snuggled up in my arm and snuggling tighter as the teenage girls continued to press up into her personal space, clung my wife in the most beautiful, brightly colored dress.   Her baby bump sat perfectly and was accentuated by the flowing fabric that hugged her curves.  Whitney proudly displays her growing baby like a badge of courage, and I am a fan.  I think women need to wear their baby bump like it is the coolest accessory.  Hell, you have to deal with so much other crap like gas, cramping, discomfort, swollen feet, waddling, no alcohol, no caffeine, heartburn, and all of the other punishment for eating the apple—which in all fairness us men only ate because we thought we might get sex out of it…..just think, man could have been chilling in paradise whilst women lived in constant strain and labor for their inequities, but again, and I bet if I went back in time, Eve gave Adam a look that struck fear into the heart of the man, and boom, not only are us men banished from paradise as well, but we are suffering under the thumb of a woman…just sayin’. 

Two adults, one seven months pregnant, one married to woman who is seven months pregnant, two camelbacks, two four day park hopping passes, one hotel with two pools, five days to kill, five parks to hit, one thousand miles to walk, over five quadrillion tourists, one woman who is seven months pregnant and has at least four different personalities, and finally, one pregnant woman and what do you get?  The following blog:

Be Our Guest…

I could tell as we drove into the park by the look on Whitney’s face that she was confused as to why all these other people were meandering about and forming lines everywhere.  That moment should have been the omen I needed to understand many of the comments that would come out of her mouth throughout four days of braving huge crowds of people.  As a matter of fact, I believe that the tickets we held in our hands were, in Whitney’s mind, park rentals and not merely general admission stubs.  She wanted a Griswold vacation where she got an amusement park to herself, and for just a moment, one small fraction of a second, hidden in a fleeting glance from Whit, I saw it.  I saw a distinct look of disappointment in me for not making the park her own.  It was her pre-birthday celebration after all.

Arabian Nights…

Listen, I am not saying that it is wrong or right, or that one person is better than another person, but we need to remember a couple of things about enclosed spaces, heat, and their direct relationship to body odor.  I breathed in more mustiness than I ever wanted to.  I remember Pregneeping Beauty turning to me and saying with the saddest eyes.  “People stink, and it’s just not fair….”  Seven words have never had so much meaning before except maybe, “We hold these truths to be self-evident .”  And maybe the same seven work here.  “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equally capable of emitting an odor that to a normal nose would be difficult to stand, but to the heightened senses of a Pregnosed woman, it is unbearable.”  Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.  (Coincidentally, “just because you can doesn’t mean you should” also applies to teenage boys and their stupid longing to grow whatever facial hair they can). 

The best part of the body odors from all over the world isn’t that it is just awesome, but that Walt Disney placed wind fans in the waiting lines meant to provide refuge from the Orlando heat.  The collateral damage from the fans is that they also serve to waft the delicious scents from those in front of you into your face and the face of the pregnant woman you brought with you.  Wait, it gets better, Walt Disney put fans in that blow at hurricane force.  Thanks to Walt, the sweat from the brow of the guy in front of you acts like a mister from Hooters.  So, to clarify, the perspiration from the guy ahead of you lands on your face and is then cooled by the wind from the fan.  Awesome.

Can You Feel the Love Tonight…                         

Going to restrooms as often as we did meant much of our shenanigans occurred in or around a bathroom.  One of my favorite instances occurred outside of the latrine at The Magic Kingdom.  To be honest here, The Magic Kingdom is my own little hell, at least in the way I experienced it. 

Finished doing what I do in the bathroom, I was standing outside waiting for Pregnerella to finish her business.  Suddenly, a cacophonous screaming sound emanates from a family just next to me.  I, being a natural rubber necker, look to see if there is anything worth judging others about.  Right there, a balling child, I mean crocodile tears of embarrassment and horror, is being forced to disrobe and use this portable toilet.  The image is burned into my eyes.  Mere feet from the bathroom and these people are forcing the child to use a camping toilet in the middle of the street.  There is absolutely nothing magical about this.  Worried that this is something that is normal for parents, I turn to see PregnAriel walking up terrified at what is going on.  The child’s mother then proceeded to dump the urine in the gutter….

I am all for field expedient urination, it’s what Marines do, but given the choice for a restroom, with no line, and dropping trouser in The Magic Kingdom, I choose the former.

Neither Preg-White, nor I understood whether this is normal parenting, but the good news is that we agreed it won’t be normal in our house, or our Magic Kingdom.   Awesome.

I Can Show You the World…

SeaWorld was amazing.  I have been before, and I think I like it every time I go more than the last.  Whitney, being an insane animal lover, was going to enjoy the hell out of this place.  Rain was threatening the entire process and as we settled in to see Shamu, it looked bad.  The show was delayed, but the extra time offered me some time to get some snacks.  As my pregnant wife was going through the decision making process that she has to go through before engaging in a snack eating session, I notice that a crowd is gathering below us that slowly passes from my left to right looking up my way.  At first, I thought they were eyeballing the seats behind us as a possible arena from which to watch Shamu. 

Returning from my trek to get snacks, I pass Whitney and realize that while Shamu was what drew the crowds to the stadium, it was another show keeping the men here….Let’s just say that what was being displayed were the prettiest show of lace these men had seen in years.  It was indeed shining, shimmering, splendid….and from this point on, every time she sat down, I would say the following:

“Are we going to sit like a lady today…or a tramp?” (Get it, Disney reference). 

The funnier part of this is that Whitney was never as amused as I was about it. 

Cruella De Vil

Hustling to get out of The Magic Kingdom, we were gliding in and out of foot traffic with precision.  We broke into an opening and started gaining speed.  Now, because Whit has to waddle, we were going ½ normal human speed—making really great time.  I have discussed before Whitney’s propensity to engage in redneck fighting, and let me tell you, Whitney found her a redneck to spar with. 

The only two people in the opening in the crowd, besides Pregoid and I, was a teenage girl and her mom.  The teenage girl, like all teenagers, believed she was the only person in the world that mattered.  Apparently, the teenage girl didn’t know what to do with her awkward arms, and she was kind of just going to flail them about the area.  Her plan also seemed to make it look like an old “clothes-line” maneuver from the WWF (I refuse to call it the WWE).  Teenage girl whipped her arm back just as Whitney passed, and thankfully, missed Whit’s neck.  Instead, Teenage girl hammer punched Whitney in her pregnant boobs.  As the blow landed, knocking the air from Whit’s lungs, Whitney forced out the following words:

Whitney:  SHIIIIIIITTTTTTT

Heath:  OOOOOOOHHHHHH NOOOOOOOO

Teenage girl:  (Dumb Silence….not even sure she knew she did it)

Teenage girl’s mom:  SHIT YOURSELF

This is where it gets good…Whitney took decisive action and hurled herself around, clinging desperately to her sore pregnant boob.  She drew her fist up to shoulder level, extending her index finger outward, in a pointing gesture towards the Teenage girl and Teenage girl’s mother.  In the same voice that I picture Satan using as he addresses a demon who has failed, Whitney rattled off,

“YOU HAD BETTER WATCH YOUR MOUTH LITTLE GIRL” in perfect Iambic Pentameter…

The crowd had formed a circle around the action now, and as much as I wanted it to spiral into a better form of chaos (picture the fight scene from Beat It), I managed to get out the following phrase:

“MMMmmm, mmmm, mm.”  I grabbed her arm and we wobbled off into the crowd.

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

I have to tell you that among all of what I saw and heard this past week, there were moments when everything was right.  There were moments when I didn’t think humans were disgusting.  There were moments when all that mattered was standing next to me, or leaning on me, or rubbing her little (big) baby bump.  There were moments when I watched tears well up in her eyes, and in the saline, I could see reflections of fireworks dancing about.  I could see the colors crackling from orange to red and red to blue and then fade back into the night’s sky.  I could feel her hand in mine and its grip tightening as a familiar tune brought feelings of nostalgia to Whitney and her face would brighten up.   There were moments when I could see her as a child without a care, a Whitney before life started playing its games, a Whitney where all she dealt with was the moment in which she stood.   There is magic there, in her eyes, and I have to tell you it made the crowds worth the trouble.  I am not sure that there is anything better than seeing Whitney get so excited just to be standing in a moment with me.

I remember watching her kind of wobble up onto the tram that was to take us back to our car, and I thought, this woman not only walks funny now, but she is worth travelling anywhere with….she brings the magic.

And this is why, after all of the years, most people you see at Disney are adults, I think.  I think we all need it.  We all need to be kids, right, for a second.  I promise you that the bills and the wars and heartache will all be there when you get back…

I just wanted you to know, because I have been holding it in since Friday…

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Comments
  1. Julie says:

    WTH- did Heath Phillips really just ALMOST make me cry?? I have always been a fan, but more and more, I think that you two are a big part of what makes the world beautiful.
    Thank you for putting your crazy life (and beautiful wife!) into words for us all to read!

  2. Lisa says:

    “I, being a natural rubber necker, look to see if there is anything worth judging others about.” Oh my gosh, this is funny because of how honest the wording is, and because most of us can relate. I’m glad you guys are back and had a great time. Kudos to Whitney for walking all of that time! The minute I started showing during my pregnancies was the minute I stopped doing anything I didn’t have to. A sort of self prescribed bed rest. Great post!

    • haphillips says:

      I am certain that we should have probably not been as fanatical about seeing everything there was to offer. Other people were so gross there, but the staff were the nicest ever. I bet that the Disney corporation, in some wacky attempt to make a profit, actually makes their workers treat people well? It was amazing when compared to my recent trips to the movies.

  3. Oh, are you getting sentimental now? You are going to be a huge mush once Whitney junior arrives… My daughter has Daddy wrapped around her finger too. Even when she’s stomping her little feet and yelling like a tyrant, he is secretly smiling.

    Disney World would probably be a lot better without the kids. The last time we went (with three kids and two in-laws in tow) I kinda wanted to shoot myself. All manner of catastrophe occurred, but none involved lacy panties. 🙂

    • haphillips says:

      Well, i am practicing being a loving and nurturing man in preparation for the arrival of Shakespeare. That sentence sounded like I am a weird religious guy who worships a god called Shakespeare.

      Panties make everything better!

  4. […] 15. His pregnant wife stories all make me laugh out loud, but especially when he talks about Disney and his wife’s underwear. […]

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