Firstly, I want you to know, that I know, that this blog is written in multiple fonts.  I don’t know how to fix it.  Just know, I know.

 

This is my last blog entry for at least a week.  I know that was straight forward and difficult to digest, but I wanted to lay it all out there for you.  I feel like, as adults, we pull too many punches with each other.  People don’t want to be lied to about everything.  We want to be lied to about some things, but not everything.  Like, I don’t really want to know that you think I suck at life; I don’t care if you think it, and I would venture to say that if you think I suck at life, you are spending too much time reading things I write.  But, if you do think I suck, just keep it to yourself or lie about it.  Lying is really cool when used properly, but conversely, lying is really bad when you use it poorly.  I rarely read stuff by people I think suck at life.  The more stuff I read by people that suck at life, the more agitated I get, and who wants to lead this type of sadistic lifestyle.

So, for the sake of full disclosure, you need to know that I am embarking on a Babymoon.  According to Wikipedia where I go to learn about everything just enough to draw horribly misguided conclusions on things I don’t know enough about, a (pay attention to the italicized and bold font).

Babymoon has several meanings. The original meaning is a period of time that parents spend bonding with a recently-born baby.

More recently the term has come to be used to describe a vacation taken by a couple that is expecting a baby in order to allow the couple to enjoy a final trip together before the many sleepless nights that usually accompany a newborn baby. Babymoons usually take place at a resort that offers appropriate services like prenatal massage.

Babymoon can also be used for a trip taken by a couple even before they get pregnant. As long as the trip is intended to be a final romantic fling before venturing into parenthood, the term babymoon applies.

The term babymoon comes from the more traditional term honeymoon, which is a vacation taken by a newlywed couple after their wedding ceremony.

A babymoon is enticing to me because it means a couple of things for me.

  1. 1.       Wikipedia has me excited that this is the point in my pregnancy where my wife gets those crazy hormones that will make us spend five straight days in our hotel room working on our Olympic gymnastic floor routines……Wikipedia stated, “long as the trip is intended to be a final romantic fling before venturing into parenthood…” (Proper MLA citation here).  My interpretation of this definition offered by the all knowing Wikipedia is that as long as I am romantic with my intentions, Whitney must succumb to my desires…and there will be plenty of prenatal massages, if you know what I am talking about……

 

  1. 2.      And on a related note.  My actual honeymoon had this incident where Whitney got really drunk off of wine at the resort restaurant.  As she became more and more inebriated she started yelling out to all those who walked by, “Do not drink the wine, it has alcohol in it!!”  When I say yelling, I want you to understand that it was the kind of yelling where the drunk guy stumbles up to you, puts his finger into your chest and slur yells at you.  I took her back to the room thinking she was just drunk enough that I could trick her into some sort of kink.  Not so much.  In minutes, she was passed out on top of the towels that were folded together to look like kissing geese….So, since this time around, Whitney is a forced teetotaler, I plan on drinking 50 Beers from 50 different country and then slur yelling at all the people at the theme park.

 

  1. 3.      And on a related note.  I took Whitney to Las Vegas one New Years Eve.  Three words: it was a freaking blast!  On two occasions during this trip, my wife’s adventurous drunk twin showed up.  The first instance involved a line for a cab and a guy who showed up to the line later than his friends did that were already in line ahead of us.  Well, Whitney was just drunk enough not to grasp that he was meeting his friends that were in line ahead of us, and felt like the guy had just pulled off the “cut of the century.”  Her reaction has been a story told on Thanksgivings and wherever two or more gather since the day it went down.  She pressed her finger to the guy’s chest and slur yelled the following:  “MY HUSBAND CAN KILL YOU WITH HIS PINKY FINGER….”  Needless to say, I killed no one that day, but it didn’t-not happen without a mighty protest from Drunken Whitney.  The best part about my wife is her commitment to her convictions.  To this day, no matter how blurred by years and the fact she was drunk, she is convinced the guy cut and therefore deserved to die.  Trust me, even as she is reading this line she is frustrated that I am not telling the whole truth in her eyes.  So, when I get all krunk next week, I am going to yell at some random female the following:  “My pregnant wife could kick the shit out of you!”  The second instance involves a concerned woman running up to me in The New York Casino and saying, “I think your wife is doing snow angels on the restroom floor…but I don’t want you to have all the good info in one blog.

In summation, as I am getting ready to end this blog.  I am heading to Orlando, the land of all things Disney.  I am going to take pictures.  I will surely blog about my experiences.  I will woo my lovely bride by offering her massages and then pass out after two rubs.  I will show her I love her by letting her watch as I ride all kinds of exciting thrill rides.  She will hold all of my valuables as we trek through The Magic Kingdom.  It will be an epic babymoon—the first of seven.  I want seven kids all of which will be named for a dwarf they can go see on their own vacations years later to the same spot we had their respective babymoons. 

I just wanted you to know, because I know you’ll miss me.

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Comments
  1. I’m pretty sure after the first birth, your wife won’t agree to seven… but eventually she’ll forget about that and agree to one or two more. Have fun! And you already know I’ll miss you. 🙂

  2. Lisa says:

    Meeting drunk Whitney has just been moved to the top of my bucket list. Babymoon is such an awesome idea, I love it! I wish my husband and I had thought to do something like that. I hope you and your wife have a safe and wonderful trip. Stay cool and don’t be gone too long! Your posts will be truly missed.

  3. Baz says:

    Damn right I miss this blog…

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