Religion, Politics, and Her…

Posted: July 5, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I figure the title alone screams of all things controversial.  Well, just to ease your mind a bit, I am not going to write anything you will disagree with, because I find self-value in your wanting to come back and read this.  But, to let you know, I do have a back bone and beliefs that lean against it. I probably have one or two political views that you all would agree with, conversely I probably have ten to twelve, which you would all hate me for.  For instance, I have an uncanny obsession with keeping my own money, but I am all about others giving theirs away.  If a candidate could just come up with a way where I get everything I want all the time, even at the expense of others, I would vote for that candidate.  The “Heath Gets Everything He Wants Candidate” is by far my favorite prospect for any election and at any level of government.  I promise not to abuse this.  Trust me, I am a man of great character and self discipline, I will only take what I need, until I see something I want.

No, this blog entry is about something much more important.  I want to talk about Religion, Politics, and how they pertain to my unborn daughter.  Why?  Because I am concerned about what happens after the birth of my child.  Obviously my life changes and I have a daughter, who will have a vagina, which both scares the shit out of me, and will complicate my existence.  I will, no doubt, become protective of her.  As such, I have decided that instead of father, she will call me Lord Protectorate.  I don’t want her to see me as a nurturing parent, but instead as a hand of justice, discipline, and safety to which she can cling to in moments of despair.  I want her to see me as a safety net; I am her welfare system; I am her government.  I plan to tax the hell out her, while demanding constant work and production.   I am going to teach her that I can make her life great and that if she just gives me complete power over her personal life, she can do whatever she wants….as long as I say she can.  Of course, I have not discussed this with my Lord Protectorate, Whitney, she will have final approval. 

Religion.  As for religion, I am going to go with whatever Whitney wants to do here, but I want to give you some context into Whitney’s understanding of some religious ceremonies she has witnessed in her life.  I give this to you in the form of a story that happened yesterday at our home. 

I own a dog.  His name is Lobo, and he is beautiful and charming when he is not being a complete asshole.   His coat is beautiful and similar to a German Shepherd, but without the real dark muzzle.  Right smack dab in the middle of his forehead is a black spot that so resembles a person who just attended Catholic Mass on Ash Wednesday. 

I have heard over the course of the year of Lobo’s life the following dozens of times.  Whitney says, “Everyday is Ash Wednesday in the Phillips Household!”  She says this as she touches Lobo on the forehead.  I have never heard her follow up this comment with any other phrase—until yesterday.  Yesterday, as she mimicked the priest during the Ash Wednesday ceremony, the following actually occurred: 

Whitney:  Lobo, everyday is Ash Wednesday in the Phillips Household.  (She pauses, and ceremonially touches the dog’s forehead, and pretends to brush ash.  She then says) MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU.

Heath:  Whitney, what did you say when you pretend brushed the ash on Lobo?

Whitney:  I said the same thing the priests say, “MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU.”

Heath:  I am not sure you have that right.

Whitney:  I do, trust me. 

I am not Catholic, and I am not trying to be, but let me tell you this.  I looked up what the priest says today on Wikipedia, where I find all of my knowledge.  MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU, is not quite accurate.  However, I like where Whitney was going with this, and therefore, I will digress on all matters religion to her.  Another great story worth mentioning regarding Whitney and religion dates back to a Jeopardy episode where the answer was something like, “this person dreamt of a ladder to heaven…..”

Whitney firmly believed that the answer was Jason.  Yes, the answer is Jason’s Ladder.  Pregnancy is awesome. 

Finally, Whitney informed me yesterday that my blog from Tuesday ended abruptly and without notice; thusly I wanted to ease you into my conclusion.   I am getting ready to end this submission of LifeasIKnowit.  You need to know that I will raise my daughter to be a smart, productive member of society.  I will teach her about politics by making her understand something my best friend taught me a few years ago.  He learned it from a book, so it must be true.  The book’s title was, There is No Such Thing as a Free Lunch.  I interpret it this way having not read the book.  Never trust people who offer you things for free.  There is always a catch.  Drug slingers offer you a free taste; kidnappers offer you free candy; and people wishing to hold you down, while gaining your loyalty, offer to give you something for nothing that will make you happy and content with where you currently rest.  If my daughter understands this alone, I think she will be okay…..MAY THE FORCE BE WITH HER… 

  1. We have just recently started our boys on Star Wars! My five-year-old loves it, but I’m pretty sure my eight-year-old doesn’t understand it at all… Other than that we are teaching them that communism is bad, except when people wish to share things with us which is always encouraged. 🙂

  2. Lisa says:

    “I have an uncanny obsession with keeping my own money, but I am all about others giving theirs away” That made me laugh out loud because I can relate. Your little girl will be lucky to have you and Whitney as parents. She will obviously be raised well and with a good sense of humor. I’m excited for you guys! Kids are great. Well, mostly I just like my own kids, but I’m sure other kids are great too. 🙂

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