Receiving Massages: Great / Giving Massages: Not So Much

Posted: June 28, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
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Massages are great but giving massages can be hell.  As one of my haikus alluded to yesterday, I am in a state in my wife’s pregnancy where avoiding handing out quality foot and back rubs is only possible if I am willing to face the prospects of her “befriending” another man as “interested” in pregnant women as I am.  Let’s get it straight for the record.  I do not mind giving a massage to a pregnant lady in distress; I just need to lay down some personal issues that cause massages to become complicated. 

I admit that it is difficult for me to just massage my wife and avoid any of the following issues:

  1. 1.        Turn the massage into something she never intended it to be.  Like some kinky show you can pay to see in a back alley of downtown Albuquerque, NM…  As a matter of fact all you husbands out there.  Be forewarned, massaging a pregnant woman should never be approached as foreplay.  I am not saying it won’t go that way, but, you know.  PS.  Apparently women don’t get as turned on as I do by clumsily rubbing anywhere they will let you touch while saying things like, “this massage can have a happy ending for you, if you play your cards right.”  Funny thing, this actually seems to solicit a reaction more reminiscent of frustration.  I know it’s crazy—it makes zero sense to me either.  However, and on a related but reversed note, imagine how frustrated I must feel when, ON MULTIPLE OCCASSIONS NOW, I have told Whitney that she need NOT see Magic Mike this weekend, because I will do a personalized and choreographed dance session for her and any of her friends, (up to 12 people.  I prefer to keep it intimate) in the comfort of her own house, and yet she still scheduled an all girls outing for this Friday night…..SLAP IN THE FACE, OR NO?  (Michiganders end every sentence with “or no,” trust me I know people there—this is my shout out to them)
  2. 2.       I do this other awesome thing where my massages start out with good intentions, but somewhere in the massaging process I drift off to sleep.  I can understand how this must make the pregnant lady I am massaging feel.  At first, I am motivated and working her over like I am a paid professional, and then suddenly I am just rubbing the same two square centimeter area of her shoulder blades effectively rubbing the skin off her back.  I have no clue this is going on, because I am in the initial stages of a night long coma. 
  3. 3.       Not killing her.  I walk a fine line between injuring the pregnant lady I massage and actually making her relax.  I found last night that she actually gets more stressed out over the anxiety of possible injury, then actual relief from my work.  She is like me when I am at the dentist and he or she is trying to kill me.  Gratuitous Link to a previous blog about my fear of dental exams.

There are some other things you need to know about me before you truly understand what it is I offer the lady I am massaging….in this scenario the lady is my wife (100 percent of massages I hand out to women are usually my wife).

  1. 1.        I cannot stand, and I am talking, it makes me sick to my stomach, to rub fabric.  It started out with specific fabrics, but has spiraled out of control into all fabrics.  Panty Hose, for instance.  I hate touching it in any way, shape, or form.  If I were a bank robber, I would opt out of the panty hose mask, because during the robbery I would out myself when I threw up in my own mask because the feeling of it touching my face was too much to bear.  If I reach to put my hand on a leg, in this scenario it will be my wife’s leg, and she was wearing panty hose, which she wouldn’t do, I immediately convulse—it hurts my soul.  I detest the feeling of it.  Sure, your legs look tan, but in the process of getting a tan look, you inherited scales.  If you wear it, that is okay, I am the freak in all of this, I know and accept this.  PS, if you are a girl and wear panty hose, remember, you are a girl and can do whatever you want, us men will still do whatever it takes to get your attention.  You can do no wrong. 
  2. 2.        That’s pretty much it. 

Last night, Whitney wanted this massage something awful.  I lasted three huffy breaths, two mentions that her back hurt more than usual, and two direct requests before succumbing to her needs.  Unfortunately, she wanted to keep her pregnanty bra thingy on.  So, I started massaging, and as my hands rubbed the bra over and over, I felt like I was going to start on fire.  I tried to stave off any whining, but it happened.  I threw a fit.  I told her to take off the bra, or I walk out—it would be over between us.  She started to remove the garment raising her hands upward insinuating she wanted me to pull the bra over her head, and I obliged her.  This is where things took a tragic turn. 

I over estimated the force necessary to pull the bra over her head.  Instead of a nice, easy fluid motion up, I yanked the thing causing the bra to sling shot into her face temporarily blinding her.  As physics would dictate, the force of the pull upwards slung shot her pregnant sensitive breasts downward causing some form of glitch in the matrix.  She screamed.  She was incensed with hatred for the bringer of this pain.   Without as much as a look backwards, she whipped the bra over her shoulder towards me.  She was like Indiana Jones with the damned bra.  She even got the spandex type fabric to make a snapping sound as the bra whipped into the pupil of my right eye.  When this altercation ended, there was Whitney, like nothing happened, waiting for the completion of massage.  As tears streamed out of my right eye, I reached forward and started over.  Despite being sensitive to light and difficulty blinking, I think I will be okay.  Thanks for the concern.  I just wanted you to know because I have been holding it in since 1145 last night.

  1. Michiganders do not end ever sentence with the phrase, “Or no?” I do, however, always appreciate proper usage of the term Michiganders.

    Otherwise your post is pretty much dead on. Pregnancy massages are entirely necessary, but dangerous. They are kinda like learning to swim.

  2. Shannon Hale says:

    I am guilty of your “or no?” sentence suffix.

    I am also a Michigander, and I appreciate acknowledgement of my readership.

    I’m also pregnant, as you may know, and laugh out loud at your posts because similar things are happening in my house on a regular basis… All except for Pregnant Ninja. I am more like pregnant cripple – slow and clumsy. It takes me 45 seconds to remember how to walk in the middle of the night – no matter how bad I have to pee.

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