The Karma God is coming and hell is coming with him or her or it

Posted: June 25, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Look, I changed my entire blog to be trendier and look like I really want to be more technically proficient with this blog… with it, because change happens…..anyways, for your reading pleasure.

I am a devout Karma-ist.  I found twenty dollars in my yard once and took Whitney to eat with it—I am certain the twenty was my neighbors.  I ate with it anyway, and we both nearly died.  That was when I started worshipping Karma God.  I am a Karma-ist because it is the only part of Buddhism that I pretend to know anything about, and I have no plans to learn anything else about anything in the next few minutes. I will learn some stuff tomorrow, but I am all learned out for today—it is 0800 and I do my best learning between 0715 and 0727.  Plus, karma seems so easy and straight forward.  But, let me lay down my definition of karma for the sake of this thesis anyway.  If you are an ass, you will be screwed in yours, and I hope the screwing is somehow proportional to your level of assness, but I am unsure if there is a governor for karma.…  That’s karma people.  If I am wrong with respect to my interpretation of karma, it really doesn’t matter, because this definition is the one I have been abiding by for three decades.  If I am wrong, and your definition gets me off the hook for any prospective bad karma pay backs, then please, feel free to correct me publicly.  If I am wrong, and you are an expert in karma and all things related, please give me some latitude, I don’t go around correcting you every time you say that the bible actually has the following verse, “God helps those who help themselves.”  Check for yourself, it’s not there.  (I realize I just corrected it, but it was not meant to come across pretentious; additionally, I don’t even know if you actually ever have done this—great now I corrected you and karma is going to screw me).  

I also follow karma categorically.  This means that whatever asshole maneuver I pulled, will come back to me in some weirdly related way.  So, in other words, if you key a car, somebody will vandalize your property.  You won’t key a car and then die sky diving.  Well, you might, but I would be slow to relate this to your keying of a car.  Your death in this scenario either stems from some horrible asshole maneuver entirely separate from the keying incident, or the parachute rigger himself just sowed some horrible karma of his own, and you were just the innocent recipient of an asshole maneuver….it gets complicated.  Either way, I say all that, to say this:  I might be screwed if karma works its way into parenting.

I was the worst kind of kid, the snake in the grass.  I was the kid other parents blindly trusted.  If you wanted to go anywhere, and the little ginger Phillips boy was going, then it would be okay for you to go.  I was this alleged moral compass for a group of otherwise morally bankrupt kids running amuck through adolescence.  The only problem was that I was read all wrong.  I was just as willing to participate in shenanigans as the next guy, if not the impetus for said shenanigans.   Here are some of the transgressions I committed that are certainly going to rear their ugly heads again while I try to be an example for my soon-to-be born daughter. 

  1. 1.        If you know anything about me, you know I got caught shoplifting when I was in 4th grade because I cannot resist the delightful mixture of caramel and chocolate only a Caramello could do right.   So, you know this will come back in some horrible way.  But wait, it gets worse.
  2. 2.       For weeks and weeks during my 2nd Grade year, I went around and meticulously stole the entire neighborhoods mail from their boxes.  Nowadays, stealing mail probably isn’t so bad, because everything important is electronic, but listen-up kids:  Paychecks and bills, and money orders, and mortgage checks, and rent, and everything you can do from your smart phone now, used to have to be done with paper and the postal service.  I, no doubt, ruined the lives of many innocent people.  Can you imagine how Karma God is going to bring this back to me?  What is my daughter going to undertake to set the universe back even?  Why did I do this?  Because free samples of Lucky Charms were being sent around the hood, and my parents only bought a generic version called Magic Jewels or something….I needed the real deal and at any cost.
  3. 3.       I made my sister dial 911 from a bowling alley to see what would happen.  Well let me tell you this:  911 can tell where you called from and they will tell your parents…even if your dad is a very mean man and they may have to respond to a second call after your father rips your face off.  How does Karma God deal with this; I bet Karma God is going to get creative with me. 
  4. 4.       I was hungry once and snuck into the pantry before dinner and stole a big can of Fruit Cocktail.  Who doesn’t love Fruit Cocktail?  Well let me tell you something:  Fruit Cocktail is good for approximately three big spoonfuls and then you still have three quarters of a can left.  What do you do with the rest?  Well it’s simple:  You pour the remainder of the can into the bathroom sink and then do what any self-respecting young boy would do and hope the Fruit Cocktail magically disappears from the drain area.  What really happens is your father, who happens to be a very mean man, decides he needs to use the kids’ bathroom and stumbles upon a tasty collection of fruit cocktail in the bottom of the sink.  What happens next is a perfectly executed example of your siblings abandoning you to face the wrath of Lane Phillips alone.  I died that day.  I am not even sure how Karma God approaches this one, but it is going to suck.  
  5. 5.       When I was a teenager, I threw rocks at cars driving by until I hit one.  What happens next is the car chased me and my friends all over the neighborhood.  We eluded the car, but at what cost?  Karma God already has my punishment ready to go…..I regret this one more than just about anything I have done.  I would steal another Caramello before I did this again. 

These are five things I was willing to tell you.  Imagine what I am holding back; it is not pretty.  The good news is this:  My wife should have a bunch of good Karma coming her way, so I should stick close to my Pregnant Wife and just do my best to do what is right, because God helps those who help themselves, trust me it’s in the Bible….

I feel better already, but I just wanted you to know, because I have been holding it in for years.     


  1. Lisa says:

    Hahaha! I am also a firm believer in Karma god. I’ve seen it, and suffered it already in this life. It’s too bad we can’t appease the Karma god with a sacrifice. For instance, sacrifice the neighbor’s annoying cat, or the annoying neighbor and then Karma god will spare you any negative karma you currently have coming. Great post! P.S. Love the new look!

  2. I hate to disappoint, but no matter how much good Karma Whit has coming her way, you will still suffer for these mistakes. Worse than that, Whitney now will be suffering for those mistakes. I often ask myself, what did I do to deserve this sharp tonged brat I have running my house? Oh yeah I married his father and bore him a son. Karma is a bitch!

  3. As a kid, I loved fruit cocktail. As an adult, I’ve discovered it’s not that great. Since your kid is a girl, it will all be a fresh Hell… And I love the new look too!

    • haphillips says:

      I am so much cooler now that I’ve strayed from the lavender background, which I couldn’t escape. I hate fruit cocktail with every bit of my being.

  4. Off My Chest says:

    Laughed my ass off all the way through this…… Love the new look. Well done.

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