You never know what you get when you travel with a pregnant girl

Posted: June 24, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Intermingled along Interstate 10 running through Florida from Pensacola to Jacksonville are some of the greatest Waffle Houses known to man.  I didn’t go to any of them, because my father made me go 14 days in a row last summer and I developed a rash.   I am not complaining, he paid, and that made the rash and pestering need for cholesterol meds all worth it.  The road trip took me away from blogging and I knew that this could be disasterous.  Just as I thought, I checked my WordPress account and had received a total of zero messages begging me to get back to the keyboard.   This caused me to feel guilt because so many people depend on my words to get through the day, and I was letting them down.  They were so distraught; they were probably seeking any help they could just to bear the day, and were just too embarassed to send me a desparate message of longing for my sage wisdom.  Here are some facts about my blogging.

Fact:  When I don’t write a blog, it actually induces labor.  My wife’s best friend, who claims to be an avid reader of my blog, noticed I took two days off and went straight into labor.  For two months straight, I wrote nearly a blog a day, and I kept that baby in there.  Take two sudden days off and she has a son now…..Lukas, welcome to the world, may you be an avid reader of my nonsensical ramblings.  And maybe just as important, I hope you know how awesome your parents are.

Fact:  My sisters make up the other two-thirds of my readership, so in the end, them being around me was enough to keep them from having babies.  Of course, this coupled with the fact that they are not pregnant helped keep spontaneous birthing at bay.

Unrelated Fact:  My car’s navigation system led us to the middle of Lake City, Florida, and then decided we were at the destination we were looking for, which happened to be straddling a set of railroad tracks.  My car is trying to kill us, or my car is racist, and somehow the eminent death that we faced from a train at this moment could be called a Cracker Barrel—all I wanted was biscuits, and instead I got death.

Fact:  The road trip with my wife was a fruitful venture.  I got to meet my niece who is beautiful.  I go to see my ginger nephew, who is already a young Adonis.   Dude is gonna be a lady killer.  I got to see my sisters, which was okay….and I got to spend hours on the road with multiple people.  I spent most of the trip making my wife laugh while I described her many different forms.  I will outline a few for you below.

  1.  Pregnopolis:  this version of her gets really emotional when I take her into a very small backwoods town to eat or get gas.  She has seen Deliverance once, and it has affected her more than any other movie in her life.  Pregnopolis is a city dweller pregnant girl who wants nothing to do with the diner you’re trying to force on her.   
  2. Pregnosaurus Rex:  This is her most prevalent form as of late; her most dominant personality if you will.  Pregnosaurus Rex has lost all connection with the length of her extremities and is a walking disaster.  No piece of furniture is safe from the Pregnosaurus Rex.  I contemplated Pregzilla, but that sounded overly harsh, but picture the wrath Godzilla had on the cities he walked through, and you have Pregnosaurus Rex.  To be fair, Whitney has never really grasped the length of her arms and legs.  Showering together has never led where I wanted it to, because Whitney usually elbows me in the eye socket twice, which coincidentally ruins my vision causing temporary blindness and migraines and thusly lowering my longing to pursue lasciviously natured behavior until completion of the shower. 
  3. Pregnarcoleptic:  This version of Whitney falls asleep in mid-sentence on road trips, during conversation.  Pregnarcoleptic will be talking to you one minute, and in mid sentence, involuntarily reach down, adjust her seat back, and pass out.  Even conversations Pregnarcoleptic starts fall victim to spontaneous nap.  Pregnarcoleptic has been a steady visitor in my house since conception.
  4. Pregnoptimus Prime:  This woman is a terrific leader and masterfully guides the driver through stressful driving sequences.  Pregnoptimus Prime is a naturally motivating person that gives her driver unbelievable confidence aiding him through tough parallel parking and other driving maneuvers.  Pregnoptimus Prime makes me feel handsome and sexy while simultaneously making me feel like I can conquer the world. 
  5. Prenoptimus Prime has an evil twin, Pregnotron.  Pregnotron cannot handle the inept driving of the person operating the vehicle.  In our situation, I botched a U-Turn……Last U-Turn I will ever botch.  The verbal berating Pregnotron gave me was a “no-holds-barred” barrage of words that I pray my unborn baby will never use.  Pregnotron is caused by the driver ignoring Pregnoptimus Prime.  Don’t ignore Pregnoptimus Prime.
  6.  Pregniagra:  Pregniagra cries during sad commercials.  Pregniagra often tells her partner he is the sweetest man on earth and that God made them especially for her.  You can see tears welling up in the eyes of Pregniagra.  Pregniagra is a nice girl, but she cannot be trusted.  Pregniagra can easily snowball into something worse—something much more emotional.  Just try to switch subjects and stave off any possibility of emotional collapse.

These are a few of the people I spent the weekend with.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved it, and so did Whitney, but I thought you should know what is going on with me since you were all breaking down the door for another blog.  I will keep you informed of my wife’s personalities; we have another road trip coming up and I am excited for new personalities as we trek through the incubation period of my baby girl. 

 

I just wanted you to know, because I have been holding it in for two days.

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Comments
  1. Lisa says:

    I actually WAS wondering where you were this week. I couldn’t remember how far along Whitney is, and wondered if you’d have some exciting news to share. I would have sent a message, but figured it was really none of my business. 🙂 I’m glad you two had a safe, fun trip! I’m glad you’re back, your posts were truly missed.

    • haphillips says:

      You are now officially too cool for school! I like to write my posts and simultaneously beg for reassurance from people like you, and you came through!

  2. Blogging is so slow in the beginning. It really is too bad for everyone else (who’s missing out) since all of your posts are gems! And I totally understand the Deliverance thing. I’ve never even seen it, and the legend alone keeps me up at night. Worse, how are you supposed to run away from crazy people when pregnant and clumsy?

    • haphillips says:

      This doesn’t count as talking to you….if this reply doesn’t make sense, read my latest comment on your blog about moving out, you’ll notice I declared us no longer talking because you’re too awesome!

  3. […] 4. He makes up a lot of fun words, like Pregnosaurus Rex. […]

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