Things that either make me sad or want to kill people…

Posted: June 19, 2012 in Opinion and things I hate
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

1. Anything that reminds me I may be lazy. For example, looking down at my odometer and realizing that I am still very delinquent in getting an oil change for my car. I always rationalize my procrastination by blaming the Jiffy Lube for recommending oil changes more often than required so that customers come back and not because your car actually needs oil. How important is lubrication for an engine anyway? The sticker that Jiffy Lube puts on the corner of my windshield is a constant reminder of my pathetic inability to complete required man-tasks. Of note, I utilize the procrastination method on all of the following things:

a. water filters for purifications systems,

b. air filters replacements for anything requiring air filters,

c. tire rotations,

d. contact lenses and their recommended life spans,

e. going to the doctor for anything, dentist visits,

f. Anything with a due date, besides bills, but Whitney is too smart to test me on this and runs all of my finances.

2. Losing my wallet and keys every morning. Like clockwork, I come home from work, and put my keys somewhere. I don’t know where I put them, but I know I try to put them somewhere I won’t forget. Needless to say, they elude me every day. I actually start stressing out about their location in the wee early hours of the morning and wake up terrified I will not be able to find them. My father initially, and subsequently my wife have attempted to fix the problem by setting up a habitual place for the keys to go, but I didn’t want any more habits, so I choose not to participate in their feeble attempt at an intervention. Now when Whitney sees that I have placed my keys in a weird area, she says the following, “I know a place where your keys are that you’ll never be able to find them in.”

3. Abused Animal commercials. If it were solely up to me, I would own seventy dogs. I cannot even go to the Humane Society; I am not allowed there because I will adopt a pet or two. I love pets more than humans.

4. Drinking excessive beer and forgetting an entire night’s events. I recommend reading yesterday’s blog.

5. The little ball things inside of Okra.

6. People who write checks still.

7. People who don’t return their cart to the cart receptacle. I think we should be allowed to shoot them. I want vigilante justice on laziness, except when the laziness I mentioned in the aforementioned list on my laziness.

8. People who talk on their phones in public, but worse yet, people who use the ear thing to talk on their phones in public. I am sorry if you do this. You need to fix yourself at the earliest opportunity. When you do this, it makes me think of how vulnerable to attack you are. You need to practice making yourself into a harder target. In the military we call this Anti-terrorism Force Protection (ATFP). Start thinking like I do. Like every day, someone is trying to sneak up on you and bludgeon you to death. I will admit that this makes you react weird when someone runs by you or approaches you in any manner, friendly or unfriendly, but you are safer, trust me. I haven’t been bludgeoned to death yet, so I am a great example of my plan’s effectiveness.

9. Long Eye Closers. People who say something to you, but condescendingly close their eyes while they say it. I am not talking blinking; I am talking a prolonged closure of the eyelids. Their statements usually start with, “Well, when I do…..” and the statements are usually covering the “long eye closer’s” ability to do anything you do, but do it better.

10. People who go to the gym during peak hours and take up more than one machine. I would like to shoot these people. It should be acceptable and hold up in a court of law. On the same subject: I don’t like people doing any workout that could be done outside, inside. I don’t trust people who actually stop to gauge their heart rate during gym activity. People who don’t re-rack their weights are also shootable.

11. People who are naturally good swimmers. These are the worst type of people. But we all agree on this, so I won’t elaborate.

12. The feeling of chafing and it is only 0800 in the morning. You know this is going to be a long day.

13. The fact that Katy Perry is making a movie documenting her hardships…..

I just wanted you to know because I have been holding it in for years.

  1. Cart stall nazi says:

    If it wouldn’t be a bother to the lonely cart retriever employee, I would take every cart that exists and scatter them about the parking lot to get back at the fools who are to lazy to put their buggies in the stall. This is one of those things I have contemplated many a lonely night during my life. Quit blocking my parking spot you worthless lazy vagabonds!

  2. I was about to comment on just how ingenious your wife is at taunting you… but then I read number 13 and got distracted. I love documentaries about people with really difficult first world problems like what they should do with their first ten million dollars, and that expensive wine that didn’t taste good…

    And can you please add people who talk on their phone while at the gym to the list. I hate people who go just to look pretty, wear perfume, talk on their phone, and never once break a sweat. (Plus I have no pigment, so I get red skinned within the first thirty seconds of exercise regardless of exertion level.)

    • haphillips says:

      Listen, and I am not saying this to make you feel good, but I swear to God there is a girl that works out at the gym I do that stays there for 2-3 hours. She talks on the phone during repetitions, and I have such contempt for her. It is a burning hatred that eats at my soul! Katy Perry has it tough and makes me happy with the life I live and its rewards

  3. Branden says:

    Going along with Katy Perry’s self documentary, Ke$ha is featured in a reality show based on her hardships too. It must be hard to be Ke$ha because it looks like she can’t spell. Unless she is trying to “artistic” by replacing the “S” with a “$” just as Picasso portrayed Guernica through cubism.

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