How to Make Your Marriage Awesome in Two Parts. Part One

Posted: June 10, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
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Being a human being means two things.  These two things are certain, everything else people tell you are lies and these people cannot be trusted.  Understanding that these two things will probably be the most important realization of your life because it directly affects everything else you do.  Here it is written in Georgia size 10 Font:  1. You will at some point have to acknowledge the presence of other human beings in your life, and 2. You will enter into some sort of long term relationship with at least one of the humans you acknowledge as being stuck here with you.  I don’t know if you know this about me, but I freely offer up my opinion to anyone willing to listen.  As a matter of fact, my advice is, not only unsolicited, but also probably not worth reading.  So in that sentiment, I am offering up some advice to all of you in, or contemplating entering into, a long term relationship.  

I have one of those jobs, which happens to employ other human beings.  These other humans and I work together to do all kinds of crazy things.  Working with other humans makes you realize that we all have one thing in common—we all have human being problems. One human being problem stems from one of the certain facts I mentioned in paragraph one.  We will enter into long term relationships with other humans; some of us enter into life relationships we call marriage.  What I want to lay down for you here are two of the most solid pieces of marital advice I have ever given.  If you chose to read on, and then apply it to your marriage, and then live through the experiences, I make another guarantee.  I guarantee that your marriage will be stronger than it ever was before, because it will have been tested to the limits. 

I have heard it said that a couple should go on a road trip together to help them decide if they are meant to be.  You know how it goes.  The prospect of sitting in a car for longer than 30 minutes where you actually have to make conversation with this human you have chosen to attempt long term cohabitation with is really daunting.  That is child’s play.  Man-up and read on.

Firstly, Make A Major Purchase Together.

I am not talking a new coffee table; I am talking in the hundreds of thousands of dollars.  I am talking life altering purchases.  I am talking a substantial financial commitment that brings with it stressful monthly obligations.  I am talking about something where the process just to purchase the thing is months long and incredibly inconvenient and stressful.  I recommend you buy a house together.   My life is a great example of how this can work for you.

After years of renting, my wife and I were ready to test the fibers of our marriage.  Renting just wasn’t stressful enough and we needed more excitement. We had been looking for months for that perfect home, but nothing seemed to speak to us and we were quickly losing hope.  One weekend the realtor we were working with took us to a house where another couple was already looking.  It was awkward and felt weird walking through a house thinking about buying it with someone else there doing the same thing.  I think it would be similar to speed dating where you listen to some pathetic dude plead his case to this girl just before you sit down, and you pretty much think everything he is saying is stupid, and furthermore that the girl sitting there would be so much better off if she selected you rather than the d-bag currently in front of her.  Ironically, the girl is probably not that great, but that is not the point.  This is when I realize two things about Whitney. 1.  She is extremely competitive, and 2.  She is either plagued with extreme buyer’s remorse over any purchase above $17.99, or is she is perhaps the savviest women on the face of the planet and she should be both loved and feared equally.  

When Whitney heard this alien couple discussing where they would put their couch or their dining room table, she gripped my hand harder than any man has ever during any handshake before or since. Now it is important you know for your own safety in case you ever deal with my wife, who I call, The Whitness that when my wife gets into the competitive spirit, she tends to develop a redneck accent.  It is not always, but I have witnessed in on multiple occasions to include once in a fight with another customer at a local Wal-Mart.  The conversation I heard at that Wal-Mart went like this: 

True Story:

Other redneck customer yelling:  “There is no way my son threw the dog food at that pregnant woman.  HE DIDN’T DID IT, he’s a good kid.”

Whitney  (5th grade teacher and college graduate with honors):  “If he DIDN’T DID IT, I WOULDN’T BE HERE, BUT HE DID DID IT, I was watching the whole time!” 

Back to my unsolicited advice:  She looked at me and in the redneckiest voice I have ever heard, she said “I want this god damned place, I want it something awful.”  When my wife goes redneck, you don’t argue, you just do as you’re told.  This was the house we would buy.  This was what I had dreamed of for years.   I pictured Karen Carpenter coming back to our closing and zombie singing, “We’ve Only Just Begun.”  I thought that this would be the happiest moment in our marriage to this point.  I thought rainbows and unicorns would frolic through the closing and leave fairy dust on all of the documents.  I pictured the Oompa Loompas singing to us, “Oooompa ooompa oooompity ooom I’ve got another riddle for you.  What will you do when the money is spent?  You will live in a home that you don’t have to rent…”  That’s right; I not only just referenced Oooomp Looompas in a blog, but I also wrote a quick little lyric they would sing if they showed up at a closing to a house…..even though I know this doesn’t make sense….everyone knows the Ooompas never leave the chocolate factory. 

What actually occurred was more like what I have seen in the videos following the death of President Kennedy.  On the day of the walk through and closing, my wife entered into buyer’s remorse mode.  It was like a funeral procession through the house.  The home we saw weeks earlier was  now seen  a new dismal light.  The previous owners had moved out and left it less than clean, and the initial picture of love and happiness had faded distinctly.  I could feel my wife’s mood change.  I had seen this look in her eyes before, and it makes my stomach hurt to this day. 

After leaving the walk-through, my wife said, “call the realtor and back out.”  What does a good husband do at this point in their marriage?  I don’t know, but I called my realtor.  My realtor promised me at that moment that if I could get my wife to the closing, he would make it worth it.  Needless to say, at the closing, Whitney was dressed in all black and had huge Jackie Onassis glasses on crying the entire time.  I was looking for Oooompa Looompas everywhere, but there were no little people, except lawyers….  In the end, after hours of wiping tears and blowing noses, the lawyer felt so guilty, he refunded all of his fees to us and we walked away from our first closing with a check for $1773.00.  

We ended up loving the home, but to this day I am not sure that 1. Whitney ever really initially wanted the house, or really just didn’t want the d-bag couple already there to have it, and 2. Whether my wife is so savvy that she didn’t orchestrate the entire thing….when I saw the Lawyer writing the check, I glanced at Whitney and I swear to god, for a split second, she lifted her glass and there was a look in her eyes, something I have seen before in the eyes of warriors and heroes.  It was a look of…..victory.

That was the day I learned my wife is like the Godfather, minus the random killings and other criminal activity…so far.  She is a “made” woman and should not be trifled with. 

Tomorrow stay tuned for Part Two called, “Buy an RV and Then Ask Your Wife to Help You Back it Up Through Tight Spaces because it Will Change Your Life.”


I Just wanted you to know, because I have been holding it in for years.

  1. My favorite is the image of the zombie Karen Carpenter welcoming you to your new home! 🙂 And I’ve never heard of anyone getting all of their closing costs refunded to them!

  2. haphillips says:

    That’s because no one usually pulls a Jacki-O style closing. I highly recommend you try it.

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