My Life with a Pregnant Exhibitionist…

Posted: June 7, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
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My life has turned into something that dreams are made of…at least the stuff my dreams are made of. I have this pregnant lady wandering around my house, showing me different odd things going on with her body, and making weird and irrational statements.

She has started this new thing that is most amusing. It begins with her sitting on the couch and reading herself to sleep. I, being an unbelievable man, let her nap and get her much needed rest. For weeks and weeks to this point when I ask her if she wants to go eat or do anything really active, she has responded with one of two things:

1. “I have been doing the equivalent of mountain climbing, what have you done today?” Or

2. “I made a placenta today, what have you been up to?”

However, now she is raring and ready to take on the world. New found energy, a well and sturdily built placenta, and Whitney is in beast mode.

So, what she does is something I refer to as Tornadoing. Tornadoing is where, for some reason or another, I have to wake her from sleep. When I wake her up, I am now forced to take two dramatic steps back and then duck and cover. She springs up, yells at the dogs, tells them they are all jerks, gives me the stink eye and then barges into the bedroom. All of us stay in the living room until the “all-clear” siren rings and then we go on about our business. I never bring up the Tornadoing because I have been told it is not good to remind her of the incident…

Added to this, my wife has developed a new and wittier sense of humor. I am not sure some of it is supposed to be funny, but this girl is good. Here are a couple of real life instances that went down just the other day.

Situation 1

Yesterday I woke up and as is routine, was out in the kitchen making my meals for the day and preparing to go to work. My wife comes out of the room and without as much as a “good morning most handsomest man in the world (her and my mother voted me into this category),” she states very matter of factly, “I am sure my baby bump grew and so did my left nipple.” She then proceeds to pull her left nipple out and show me all of the new and exciting developments in nipple land. I loved it. My life now resembles the Bunny Ranch, but instead of many women, there is just one hot, naked, pregnant lady. Luckily, she has developed multiple personalities, so it has the same feel as a brothel.

Situation B:

I arrived home from work yesterday nursing a sore shoulder from the gym. I was massaging it and brought up its tender state to my wife who was on the couch, no doubt, preparing to Tornado. Here is how the conversation went:

Heath: My shoulder is a little sore.

Whitney: Well, guess who has heartburn? That’s right, me, and I haven’t even eaten in the near future…

I told her the near future hasn’t happened yet, and her reply was, and I quote, “exactly.”

My head actually exploded.

Situation Tres:

Whitney found some cool 80’s glasses in her car. You remember the ones that have the blinds on them, so you look through slits into the outside world. While I was driving, she slipped them on and became very proud of her new style. Conversation goes:

Heath: Oh, look at you, you are so fun there with your glasses.

Whitneyin a cold and demeaning tone: No, I am the “fun one.” Which infers only one of us is any fun.

I just wanted you to know, because I have been holding it in for years…

  1. Shannon Hale says:

    I actually laughed out loud while reading this post (not to insinuate that I don’t often laugh out loud when reading your blog).

    I laughed because I can relate…

    To Whitney.

  2. You really can’t win any argument with a pregnant lady. Even if you won an argument, hormones would then dictate that you lost, when she started crying and then explained what stress hormones were doing to the child inside her. As I was saying, you just can’t win.

  3. Off My Chest says:

    I told my son, when he was about 12 or so, that he would be the one who was always wrong in a relationship. He began to protest this grossly unfair, future turn of events, and asked “but what if I’m right?”. “Then you will be sleeping on the couch and that is just…” “wrong”, he chimed in with a resigned note in his voice and with stooped posture went back to his room.

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