My List of Super Powers and a Commentary On Their Effectiveness

Posted: June 6, 2012 in Opinion and things I hate, Pregnant Wife Stories
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1. I am a loud clapper. I can clap louder than any person on earth, but not loud enough to produce a sound wave of destruction.  According to my wife, my clap is only loud enough to be really damn annoying. Last night, outside, at a baseball game amongst thousands of screaming fans, I clapped.  In doing so, I solicited the Whitney Phillips Look of Death, which does happen to produce a wave of destruction…Of note, Whitney’s Death Eyes Power trumps my Loud Clapping Power.

2. I have a high palette, in other words, the inside of my mouth extends higher up into my dome than the average Joe—probably because I sucked my thumb until August of last year.  Sound from my closed-mouth chewing reverberates through the empty catacombs of my head.  I don’t think it is loud enough to produce a devastating sound wave of destruction, but I lose myself in eating sometimes and go internal, just chomping away at whatever it is I am shoving into my mouth.  I use this power to annoy my wife. It is one hundred percent effective.  Of note, Whitney’s Death Eyes trump High Palette Power.

3. I accidentally ruin things a lot. My intentions are good, but this power only works for evil.  Let it be written that I have borrowed my wife’s expensive IPOD to help motivate me through yard work.  I write the following in the short legal statement I made to my wife after her IPOD seemed to have been broken by someone.  Said Named Husband (SNH) was working hard out in the sun laboring out of love.  SNH became distracted.  SNH took off the IPOD.  SNH put it on his truck’s tailgate. It stayed there for two days through two rain storms.  Due to no fault of anyone, the IPOD failed to work properly.  SNH wishes to make no further statement at this time.   Accidentally Ruining Things Power almost always causes Whitney Death Eyes.

4. If water is deeper than I am tall, and you force me to be in it, given only a few seconds, I will start my version of swimming, which I call fighting drowning. To onlookers, this looks like a full on panic attack.  I think what really sells it is the water-filled whimpers and muffled screams.  This power has led to one real life rescue. A man actually had to jump off of his boat and swim to me.  When he got to me, he threw swimming noodles at me and yelled, “Here’s some noodles, stop acting like a bitch….” I was 30 years old at the time….noodles never felt so good.  Aversion to Water Power caused Whitney’s Eyes of Embarrassment, which in turn caused Heath’s Power of Personal Inadequacy.  I am still not allowed in our pool when no one else is home.

5. I am a Whistle Talker. More often than I want to admit, I say my “s’s” with a whistle sound, no doubt due to my High Palette Power.  Whistle Talking causes my wife to immediately stop paying attention to me regardless of the gravity of the conversation. Another instance which breaks my wife’s attention span is if I accidently group two “do’s” in a row. For instance. One thing that we do, do around here is speak correctly.” Two Do Power causes my wife to act like a third grader who just heard someone fart…

If you have learned anything from my list of super powers, it should be that my wife’s super powers trump all of mine. She is like what DC comics did by creating Superman. Superman is so perfect that they had to introduce all of these outlandish characters to compete with him. Her powers are so great that I cannot win, and because of this I use my powers only to annoy. I just wanted you to know this, because I have been holding it in for years…

  1. Baz says:

    Ahhsoooo wise sage- I observe the power of the “Two Do Power” is far reaching. Perhaps this is default women power?

  2. haphillips says:

    Two Do Power may be our only hope!

  3. Lisa says:

    Every time you post something, I read it and think “This is my favorite post he’s written!” My husband also enjoys reading your posts. I can totally relate to Whitney in #5. “Do do”…it’s funny every time. 🙂

  4. haphillips says:

    I am the same with your posts! I make sure I spread Lisa Madness everywhere!

  5. Jared Rains says:

    You didn’t mention your Power of Immense Sweat Production. I once witnessed the drowning of our entire squad when one shaft of sunlight pierced the canopy above us, found your back, and worked in concert with this amazing power to produce a literal waterfall of sweat. That was amazing.

  6. Death eyes really are a superpower, I knew it! That pretty much explains what my mom and my grandma were doing all those years… Good luck with that, because I’m pretty sure women pass it from generation to generation.

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