The Under the Table Elbow

Posted: June 1, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

In a voice just above a whisper, but in a tone that you can tell is still yelling, my wife muttered these nine words, “When I elbow you in public, it is private.” Except now re-read it like this and stress the capital letters. “When.  I. Elbow.  You.  In.  PubliC.  iT.  iS.  PrivaTe.”  You know how this sounds; it is the same way you yell at your kids in public for things you don’t want to draw attention to yourself for.  Like, “Johnny, take your hands out of your pants now!  And, you do not put them in your mouth!”  It’s the exact same thing, except when my wife said “private,” she said it like Tony the Tiger says, “they’re greeeeaaattt,” but in this case, he is not the nice, caring Tony the Tiger we all know and love—the Tony the Tiger that hits us ground balls and plays goalie for us just before treating us to a delicious bowl of frosted flakes.  No, it is not this Tony, it is his sexy and evil twin sister who wants to mate with you, but may also want to kill you.  Even her kisses are evil.  She wears these acid plumping agents on her lips that make her kiss look sultry, soft, and delicious like this:

 (Again, probably stole this illegally)


Except maybe a bit more menacingly sexy version, like this:

 (also illegally acquired)


The only problem is that she leaves your lips on fire after one kiss.  When you bring up your aversion to kissing her when the acid is on her lips, she replies, “There are many men that would love to kiss these lips.”  (Note: you replying later in a similar, but reversed scenario, with the same statement will not affect her.)


Anyways, “When I elbow you in public, it is private.”  I tell you this to explain to you what would solicit a response like this from my wife.  I want you to know so that you can understand what goes on in a man’s brain as he is walking on thin ice, hears it cracking, but cannot stop treading heavily.  I am telling you this because in earlier posts I may have implied that my wife’s actions are unwarranted, and now, in a cathartic moment of solemnity, I offer up another confession to you.  Take my honesty not only as a shimmering hope that I am a changed man, but also as an example of what to avoid if you are a man as thick skulled as I. 


It is really simple.  There are times when we men, like buffoons, will start talking about things that need not be discussed for one reason or another.  There are also times when there is zero forethought to our words and phrases.  We just talk, and whatever word lines up in the shoot next comes out of our mouths.  There is no stopping it.  And then, there is something called the perfect storm.  During the perfect storm, the previously mentioned moments happen at the same time.  When the wife realizes that the perfect storm is hitting, there is a look that will appear on her face, and generally, all men recognize this look and take the next conversation off ramp we come to and avoid any more foolishness.  And then there is me.  I tend to get a bit animated and not pay attention for the warning; instead, I ramble.  I ramble off everything that comes into my brain irregardless (see blog entitled impotence of using good English when talking two me) of how caustic I am being.  My wife’s only option at this point is an “under the table elbow,” which is completely acceptable.  Yesterday, I mentioned my thick skull, and now I will provide you with an example. 


On this specific occasion, I was in mid-ramble and received the elbow.  My internal monologue has already warned me.  “Hey Heath, this is a good time to shut up.”  This is where I make my mistake; I make it into a joke.  I respond with, “ooohhh (all huffy and puffy), now we hit each other….very mature.”  As these words were leaving my mouth, I was already regretting them.  I wanted to reach into the air and shove them back into my face putting my whole arm down my throat.  What in the hell was I thinking?  I am a runaway train at this point, out of control, I can’t stop running my suck.  So, like the brilliant man I am, I further the damage.  The people we were with asked what happened and instead of saying something generic to calm the situation, I proceed to explain to the group exactly what went down.  What in the hell was I thinking?  I pick this moment to make an honest man out of myself?  I am like a snowball of crap rolling down the steepest hill gathering up more and more crap (I guess this would be a crapball vice snowball).  So, you are now thinking, he can’t get any lower than this.  Wrongo!  I have personality, I am a people person, and I win over my audiences with liveliness and fervor.  I do something next that every man should avoid.  I get my audience to turn on my sweet and unsuspecting wife….and while they thought it was all a joke, I knew better.  I knew I was going to die that night.  I knew that the 5th grade teacher was coming out of her, because I was acting like a 5th grade student.  I met Jesus later and deserved the introduction. 


When your wife says to you, “when I elbow you in public, it is private” listen to her, because she just wants to help you help yourself….Trust me.  I just wanted you to know this, because I have been holding it in for years.







  1. Baz says:

    So true my friend… I will likely have learned something from this post. Will know more by Sunday after some practice.

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