Love: Defending Your Wife from Watching Abused Animal Commercials…

Posted: May 30, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
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My wife screams, cutting into our nightly silence, as we sat watching this evening’s Jeopardy episode, “What is ‘The Hilt!’  That’s in all my erotic novels!…like, take it to the hilt!”  I am not sure that I was more impressed by, the confidence with which she answered the question, or by the fact that she sounded kind of like a drunken pirate when she said it.  I think I have written this before, but I refuse to re-read my posts because they all make me flustrated about my grammatical errors and misuse of words.   So I am going to say it again.  My wife, “Whitney” is a gold mine of material, especially pregnant Whitney.  

A few things happened today that had to be discussed, and here they are for your viewing pleasure. 

I am innocent in all of this, I swear…maybe. 

My wife scootched over to the dining room table to find her seat for dinner.  Upon her arrival at the table, she had the difficult task of moving her glass from the position she held it in as she walked to a new resting place on the table.  I heard her giggle and swear.  I looked back just in time to see the puddles of water that formed on the table from when she misjudged the friction levels the table would have upon the cup of water.  Apparently, and understandably so, because of the difficulty of the task, the cup caught on the table and spilled.  I would have been embarrassed too.  Most likely, I would have cleaned the table in silence hoping that Whitney never even knew it happened (a trick I use every time I do anything questionable around here).  My wife’s reaction was as follows, “I just did the stupidest thing in the world—something Heath Phillips would do.” 

It is hard when you hear this to wonder how much this statement encompasses.  Does she mean that most things I do are stupid?  No, that can’t be true.  This is my sweet Whitney. This is the same girl who was reading 50 Shades of Gray the other night as I was reading someone’s blog, and judgmentally looked up from her ever intellectually stimulating smut novel, and said “I read books, maybe you should think about doing it.”  I immediately let out my well known sigh that lets everyone around me know I have been offended.  The breath is the same breath I use when I don’t get my way, and probably the same breath all husbands use when their wife is right about things, which happens altogether too often. 

Spoiler Alert:

The book, for any man who reads my blog, is about a guy named Christian Gray, who apparently is into some form of bondage lifestyle.  All this guy wants is some bondage, and then BAM he falls in love.  The End.  I think Hollywood is going to make a movie out of it.  I am going to see it; I already know this.  After the show we will go buy leather chaps, hand cuffs, and those spanky bottom things….Awesome.  At least that is the ending I am shooting for.   

I have a confession to make.  My wife and I have this horrible inability to watch the abused animal commercials. I think this makes us good people.  I am a man, and I am trying to keep my experiences of outward crying at a level my dad would allow.  Most of my crying is on the inside.  So, on the TV pops up the commercial where Sara Mclachlan sings “Arms of an Angel,” and then pictures of puppies come on, and then everyone in the house starts crying.  Well, I was looking out for her.  Its dinner time and I don’t want this woman, who is carrying my baby to break down in tears of sorrow.  I notice what is going on and in mid-chew I yell to her, “Whitney, look at me, don’t watch.”  Without skipping a beat, she replies, “AND WATCH YOU CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN.  LIKE THAT’S BETTER!”  

She has me figured out though.  Her next statement was, “I just wanted you to know, because I have been holding it in for years….now go blog about it.”

  1. […] 2. His wife, nicknamed “The Whitness”, is so very mean and also so very funny! […]

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