Dating, The Heath Phillips Way

Posted: May 25, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

I haven’t been single in years, and I am happy about that.  My wife is cool and we got this thing down.  I remember dating being generally weird.  We, and maybe this is mostly men, make dating extremely awkward.  Case in point, if a date is going horrible, and even if we sense that the other person is loathing every second, we will still try to initiate physical contact.    I think it is our, “no matter how obvious it is that she is not interested, I might as well try and get something out of it” attitude, but it is what we do; and will do.  We actually take this with us into marriage and use it at the most inappropriate times, like, “oh, my wife is vacuuming; she must also want me to attempt to have sex with her.”  (It took me years to listen to one fact my father conveyed to me years ago:  Never stop your wife from vacuuming……..just saying.)   

Further, I think that what should happen across the board for dating is something similar to what happens with online dating, except in my method, there will be pure honesty.  You should develop a profile that you just hand to a girl you want to ask out.  When writing the profile, you should have to be tied up to some kind of electrocution device that shocks the hell out of you when you mislead the general public.   My personal profile that my wife answered years ago is added here for your perusal.

Heath Phillips

Height: 73 inches

Weight: 220 Lbs of fun

I can pick heavy things up and move them from one place to another place.  I am somewhat handy, except with cars and other overly complex mechanical machines or instruments.  I don’t get nervous, nor do I have to be drunk when I karaoke.  I have no problem standing in front of a big group and speaking.  I am not scared of zombies.  I will try most foods.  I fear nothing, except falling from any height backwards and being impaled upon another object.  I am not addicted to methamphetamines.  I have been in fights where I have won.  I have been beaten up pretty badly in fights I have started.  I can tell when a guitar is out of tune, but cannot tune it.  I understand the game of baseball.   I have issues with people and their behavior, specifically in bathrooms and other public arenas.  For instance, I hold my breath when people walk past me until their wake of air is done wafting against me; I don’t like breathing in people’s smells.  I am also a firm believer in courtesy flushes.  I am a ginger with an aversion to the sun; as such, I shy away from scenes where I am forced to remove my shirt, as it will badly injure those around me who aren’t wearing eye protection.  There was a small stint in my life where I dabbled in role playing games, specifically Dungeons and Dragons; I swear it was just experimentation.  I am a lot sexier when not compared to conventionally sexy people.  I get hotter the longer you know me because I have a decent personality.  So, if we dated for three months, by the end of the third month, I would be at a conventional sexy level equal to movie stars like Philip Seymour Hoffman or Paul Giamatti.  I enjoy self deprecating humor.

Beyond the initial profile you set up, there should be ground rules, or some sort of pre-date contract that sets out exactly what is going to happen on the first date—defines the limits, sets out clear, concise guidance that a man cannot confuse. 

The process would begin with the male; he would drum up a list of events that he believes will be a sufficient first date.  It would look like this:

1730:  Pre-date phone call to confirm timeliness of my arrival.

1745:  I depart my house (see attached route).

1800:  Arrive at your house (I will put a stick of gum in my mouth, and check mirror for nose issues).   I will come/not come to your door (female circle appropriate answer).

1900:  Female will receive a gift to confirm that I am willing to impress her with the fact that I can afford flowers that I bought on way to pick you up at Walgreens (see attached route).

1900-1930:  In car conversation:

List off limit topics here:

Anything related to public restrooms (see There’s a Bathroom on the Right)

Relationships with moms

Bad habits to include farting and/or diarrhea

Your workout routine

1930:  Arrive at destination; eat.

2000-2030:  In car conversation (see list of off limit topics).

2030:  Arrival at home: 

Male requests:  End of night kiss; hand on butt; expected call back in three days.

**If at any point in the date, the female wishes to revise the physical contact portion of the date, which would for the betterment of the male, this contract is null and void.

The contract is then sent to the woman who then either makes her changes and returns it, or sends it to an anonymous third party to sign into law.  It should be like how congress would work if they actually did stuff. 

There are those among you, most likely women folk, who are thinking that this would take the excitement of the first date away.  You are absolutely wrong, and this is why the contract does not start with you.  There is nothing exciting about wondering whether this woman you are thinking of kissing is going to destroy your entire self-concept when she puts her palm on your sternum, stopping your forward momentum and politely giggles and says, “I had a good time, call me” which, actually means, “I would kiss you, but you are the most disgusting little creature I have ever seen. I hope we never see each other in public; please don’t call.” 

These simple changes to the dating world ease the pressure on all involved.  I just wanted you all to know, because I have been holding it in for years..

  1. lol great post, but you started off telling us you haven’t dated in years and your married lol. That causes the single mind like myself to shut down. The dating world is in no means simple anymore…

  2. […] He blogs about getting stung by bees, as well as dating and bathroom […]

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