There’s a Bathroom on the Right

Posted: May 24, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

If we hang out, I am not going to spend the entire conversation bringing you down with negativity. On the contrary, if we hang out, it will probably be the best night of your life. We will break bread together, sing camp fire songs, enjoy excessive libations, have the ceremonial pouring of malt liquor onto the ground in memory of our fallen homies, and finally, we will have an overly emotional moment where we tell each other how cool we are.

That being said, and just so we don’t have to go over this if we ever do hang out, I am going to be negative for the next few minutes.

Public Restrooms:

When using a stall in a restroom there are rules, and these rules are sacred. Firstly, upon entry, the stall is one hundred percent sovereign territory of the individual who occupies it. It is like the land grab from that Tom Cruise movie Far and Away; it’s simple, we go into the bathroom and look for the cleanest, roomiest, and most accommodating piece of property and we stake our claim. There should be no question about this, and the mere fact that I have to outline this is reprehensible. We need to get it together and start acting like human beings who have a clue.

The worst violator of this rule is the brilliant person who, with malice, attempts to open my stall’s door. I actually feel a burning anger and contempt well up inside when people do this to me. Because of a complete lack of situational awareness, this intrusive person has compelled me to leave my silent comfort zone and say, “Somebody’s in here.” Three words: Seems simple and a non-issue, but I ensure that I say these three words in such a manner and tone that it actually conveys something more like, “Somebody’s in here, moron, the first clue should have been the feet under the door, and maybe, even more so the fact that the door was shut. Additionally, I am sure I heard you tug at the door once, meet the resistance of the lock and then tug again, which speaks to your strength. You are so pathetic that you initially thought you just didn’t pull hard enough to overpower the industrial strength stall hinges, so you pulled again, but gave it everything you got this time. You should go to the girl’s bathroom where you belong.” The second pull possessed near enough kinetic energy to overcome the lock, which would have been catastrophic, because it is followed by the intense fear that I will be exposed in the most vulnerable position known to man. When a person is in the middle of his or her business they are helpless. I have tried to think of my defense if I were ever attacked while in a stall, and come to the realization, that what I would have to do in my defense cannot and should not be written here.

The second rule that needs to be addressed is in relationship to the personal space rule we are all familiar with. We know that you need to select urinals based off of proximity first, and subsequently, availability. If the only available urinal is the middle one, and all stalls are taken, you may take this urinal and it will be an understood and necessary violation of personal space, and therefore appropriate. Of note: It is unnecessary to stand around just to avoid being too close to another individual if it is the only option. This just makes you look scared, indecisive and generally weak-sauce, go ahead and jump on the open urinal. However, there are a couple of instances that need to be avoided at all costs.

1) Conversation: If you enter into a conversation that starts after initiating urination and the conversation is with a fella you have never met, you are wrong—choke yourself. If you initiate this conversation, you are the worst type of offender.

2) If all urinals are open and you utilize the stall for a “stand-up,” you are a conspicuous consumer. You are everything wrong with America. All you needed was a urinal, and instead take a stall because of your insatiable appetite to consume. You are wrong—choke yourself. If you violate this rule and urinate all over the seat, you are the worst kind of person.

3) If all urinals are open and you take the middle one, you have just caused a wrinkle in the space-time continuum, and you are wrong—choke yourself. This is a move that is completely selfish and is either evidence of no forethought on your part, or a lack of self decency.

4) If you look somebody in the eye after you complete your business, you have forced yourself into a wash of your hands. I have told you before in my writings that I believe my nether regions are cleaner than any public restroom, but these are the rules and you must comply. This rule does not apply to “sit-downs;” business of this type shall always end in a hand washing.

5) If you are alone in the restroom you are allowed one flexing session, but be quick about it. You must be careful to never skyline yourself while in the laboratory.

6) Never use the cologne that some restrooms have set out for patrons. This cologne will make you smell like every other dude who has gone to the restroom before you.

7) Avoid going to the bathroom where they have a guy that works in the bathroom. This gentlemen guilts you into buying everything he is peddling. He will lay out a towel for you to dry your hands and then expect a dollar. So, if you are like me, you didn’t want to wash your hands in the first place, and now you’re doing it and paying to do it….. Not to mention, I think he tells the strippers if you don’t wash your hands………..

These are just a few items that are on my mind about public restrooms; I just wanted you to know them, because I have been holding them in for years…

  1. […] 14. He blogs about getting stung by bees, as well as dating and bathroom etiquette. […]

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