Congratulations, It’s a Girl, and She has a Vagina

Posted: May 22, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

….. I went to a movie last night called “my wife’s ultrasound.” It was wonderful and interesting. I was excited to get to see my daughter in there doing all kinds of aerobics and military drill. My baby seemed to have Olivia Newton John’s, “Let’s Get Physical” in her head, because some of her moves looked like 80’s dancing. All the requisite things appeared on the screen, legs, arms, hands, etc. I saw her eyes, and she looks to have my ears, poor thing. She was sucking her thumb, which I coincidently quit only like a year ago, which even more coincidentally, caused me to wear headgear and have braces for two thirds of my ginger childhood—double bonus.

Everything was beautiful, then I realized that the along with all the extremities and organs that were supposed to be there, there was one important piece I hadn’t thought about: My daughter also has a vagina! What? If there has been one thing that has been more confusing to me, I cannot think of it. I feel like I now have to just give her over to her mother and just watch from afar. Boys are so easy, we got franks and beans. There is no mystery; keep the thing clean, right? Nuts and bolts; what you see is what you get. Boys realize what they have there and we keep our hand glued to it for the next 65 years, only stopping to eat, and if we had our way, we would only free one hand.

For boys our problems with the vagina start right away. We hear about the mythical vagina; we are trained to seek it, but in the end we have no clue what to do with it. There are men right now reading this who will smirk and say, I never had that problem, and I say you, sir, are a liar. We fear the vagina. The vagina is like what my dad has going on with his home entertainment system: A wonderful visual and audio experience that draws in the man’s attention; we all want it; we envy it; we always think another man’s entertainment system is better than ours…Pretty much everything in the living room revolving around my father’s 1000 inch screen and double Dolby 7.7 surround sound is awe inspiring, and I know it. I want it. I want it something awful, but there’s a problem: I don’t understand the remote control. Of course with someone standing over us, giving us specific directions, we can get the thing turned on, but without this, we are just pushing random buttons and hoping something magical happens.

As we move into our fathering years our problems change drastically. What I just covered becomes even scarier, because we want all boys and men to stay away from anything relating to our daughters. I don’t want boys drawn to my daughter’s entertainment center. I have had multiple imaginary fights that happen 15 years from now. I have no problem killing a high school kid. So let it be written and let it be done.

I also believe that maintenance is something I don’t clearly understand. Men have it so easy. If it hurts when you pee, drink more water, and try to avoid getting kicked in your junk. These are the only two rules that I follow and am aware of. That’s pretty much my advice to myself at least. I was raised with four women in the house, and I have new found respect for my father.

I have a bunch of questions for my wife, who also has a vagina. I need to learn. The next 18 years are going to be crazy.

  1. you are funny and properly fearful

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