The Ten Crack Commandments…..as they apply to a fifth grade teacher….

Posted: May 20, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
Tags: , , , , ,

Possible subtitles could include:  An educator’s thoughts on the application of Biggie Smallz’s sage advice to those in the Rock Slinging profession for non-rockslinging public school teachers.  How Notorious may have unlocked the keys to education, but was too gangsta to know it.  Or, finally, the Mo students we come across, the Mo problems we see.

If you have denied your Hip Hop roots and have somehow let yourself go through life without familiarizing yourself with Notorious BIG’s song, use this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYb_8MM1tGQ and address this issue now.  I have to lend you this warning.  If you are a pale white guy (insert my picture), I do not recommend blasting this song, windows down, volume up, driving through town.  You will solicit unwarranted attention.  If you are a girl, as always, you can do no wrong, do whatever you want, we will still only want you more. 

Let me also say, that this song is freaking awesome.  The problem with the song is that it is so good, but tends to be inapplicable to the small population of people who have decided to work in different career fields than the crack world. 

What you are about to read are the thoughts and ideas of an anonymous 5th grade teacher, who  may or may not moonlight as my wife.   I say moonlights because teachers are the most amazing individuals in the world, and their job at work can be all consuming.  Anyhow, she may or may not have taken the time out of her Saturday (the day teachers dedicate to boozing it up) to help breakdown the lyrics of The Ten Crack Commandments, so don’t read this for me, read this for her….she deserves it, I mean c’mon, this woman has been portrayed as a multitude of things in this blog to include a pregnant zombie and has unwaiveringly supported my exaggeration; she warrants your attention (of course, she is undead, so she is void of emotions, but instead possesses only a primative urge to feed on men’s souls). 

According to the anonymous teacher, the song opens up with a classic “elementary style” attention gainer of counting to a specified number.  The specified number, if ever reached, will cause the bowels of hell to open up and suck into it all of the children in the classroom who are misbehaving.  We, like well-trained 5th graders, are all fully attentive at this point in the song. 

Biggie then goes on to give you a reason to believe what he is about to convey.  He establishes that he is a subject matter expert, and then lays down for you his first commandment.

1.  “Rule numero uno:  never let no one know / how much dough you hold / cause you know / The cheddar breed jealousy….”

Teacher’s take on this:  If a child brings money for lunch or an upcoming field trip, it is important that they are careful with it.  Children are not necessarly theives, but it is better to not play with the money in front of the other kids, because they might cause another kid to get jealous.  So, keep your money in your backpack, or desk.

2.  “Never let ’em know your next move /  Don’t you know Bad Boys move in silence or violence / Take it from your highness (uh-huh) /  I done squeezed mad clips at these cats for they bricks and chips.”

Teacher’s application of the second holy commandment:  Don’t let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.  Stay ahead of the game.  (I am unsure whether my wife fully understand the second crack commandment).  Bricks have no place in the classroom except to hold the door open when the children exit the building in an orderly fashion.  Chips are delicious, though. 

3.  “Never trust no-bo-dy / your moms’ll set that ass up, properly gassed up / Hoodie to mask up, shit, for that fast buck / she be laying in the bushes to light that ass up”

My wife’s take:  It’s you against the world.  Hoodies tend to take away my hourglass figure, and there might be snakes in bushes, so why would anyone go in there….

4.  “Number four:  know you heard this before / Never get high, on your own supply”

Teacher:  Don’t eat the chocolate out of your treat box.  It’s for the rewarding the kiddos. 

5.  “Number five:  never sell no crack wher you rest at / I don’t care if they want a ounce, tell em bounce”

Teacher:  If you are a pampered chef consultant, don’t throw the parties at your house, when the chopping veggies thing breaks, people are gonna come looking at your house for another.  (not a direct link to teaching, but it makes some real sense.) 

6.  “Number six:  that god damn credit, dead it / You think a crackhead payin you back, shit forget it”

My wife says, don’t loan out any pencils, notebooks, folders, markers, crayons, scissors, glue, toys, or books, unless you’re okay with not getting them back.

7.  “Number seven:  This rule is so underrated / Keep your family and business completely separated / Money and blood don’t mix…..”

The teachers take:  Don’t party with students’ parents.  And don’t post any questionable pictures on facebook!

8.  “Number eight:  never keep no weight on you / Them cats that squeeze your guns can hold jobs too”

Don’t pretend to care about teaching just during an observation.  Always teach with integrity, like you would if the parents, principal, or superintendent were in your classroom watching you.  The principal may show up in your classroom and realize you’re not really that great….

9.  “Number nine shoulda been number one to me / If you aint gettin bags stay the fuck from police / If they think you snitchin ain’t tryin listen  / they be sittin in your kitchen, waitin to start hittin”

Wife:  If you cry to the principal too much about other teachers, you will likely never be let into any of the social groups, because the other teachers will think that you are going to air out their business to the principal.  In the teacher’s lounge, you will be left alone, and will likely get a hate note in your box at work….

10.  “Number ten: a strong word called consignment / Strictly for live men, not for freshmen / If you aint got the clientele say hell no / Cause they gonna want they money rain, sleet, hail, or snow.

When having a class party, kids should only take what they can eat.  Save some pizza and soda for everyone else.  Plus, if anyone vomits after the party (because they didn’t listen to me), I have to wait for their parents to come get them.  Not fun. 

The Ten Class Commandments…..with a random reference to Pampered Chef parties.

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