The Ramblings of a Pregnant Zombie

Posted: May 17, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
Tags: , , , , ,

I have written before about being with a pregnant woman (I always write this like I had nothing to do with my current lot in life, but I was actually involved in the conception, at least I was in the same room, and was doing as I was told….), and I have written before about zombies, but never have I combined the two. I have noticed that my wife’s pregnancy seems to be a bit more interesting to you than my post apocalyptic adventures, my take on music, or even The Facts of Life. That being said, I want to give you what you want. And in doing so, I want to stress to you that I am not making anything I write up. My wife, we’ll call her Whitney to protect her identity, is a gold mine of material for anyone. If I had just a bit more talent and ability, I believe I would be famous just for describing her antics. I think the reason she is such a jackpot of hilarity is because she doesn’t even try to be funny; it is just her being her—that and she has turned into a zombie, an unbelievably sexy zombie, but a zombie nonetheless (how hot are pregnant ladies? I never knew, but damn there is something about a pregnant woman. Every time I say this, people say “the glow, it’s the pregnant glow.” I say, whatever it is, it is probably the hottest thing I have ever seen. But this could also be due to the “something I can’t have because everything is tender on her, so I really want it” syndrome. This surfaces in men from time to time, but usually manifests itself in our longing for a bigger television or some other violation of God’s commandment pertaining to coveting your neighbor’s shit).

Longest. Paranthetical. Statement. Ever. And if you are like those horrible people in your English class, you will skip it like it isn’t there. This used to drive me crazy. See, when I get to parenthetical information, I read it fast and in one tone, so that it sounds like an aside, or the end to a political advertisement, you know, “this ad is sponsored by the blah blah blah….yada yada yada”

You’ve read an entire paragraph, and still you don’t even know what I am going to discuss. Well I am going to give you actual utterances that my wife rambled off over the last 19 weeks. Remember, she is a race car in the red one second and a love bomb the next. I will give some context, and your job will be to just chill. You will deduce that my wife is indeed a zombie, not a zombie that literally eats flesh and preys on any living creature, but in a larger metaphorical type zombie. This being, that her behavior, at times, makes me feel like a helpless victim in a movie trapped in a house whilst the undead are tearing at the windows I’ve boarded up to protect everything that is alive inside. The house representing my sanity, soul, and well-being……the zombies are my wife’s off the wall comments and inferences…..have a look for yourself….

I got a call from my wife the other day. Whitney: I sent you a funny email that talks about things women say to men. There is one part that mentions how men never do anything they say they are going to do. This one should resonate with you.

Me: ………….

On a similar vein, Whitney came to me with a proposal for getting a new vehicle. I am all about it; I want her to have nice things. I love her and she deserves this. If you are man, you will see the brilliance in her statement.

Whitney: I would really like to get a new car, maybe it is because the oil hasn’t been changed in over a year or something, but the car isn’t running as well as it used to, but I don’t know I am just guessing…..

She was able to ask for a car, and simultaneously land an insult about men (specifically me, in this case) not doing anything they say they will do….

Last night. Whitney: I read your blog, I would appreciate it if you would stop making me out to be such a good person and start making me an accessory to some of your bad behavior….

Me:…….you’re right, I am sorry for portraying you in a good light.

Whitney has been reading lately, which is never a good thing in our house. Before work, I carried some things to her car to help my little damsel in distress. Instead of a thank you, these words actually came out of her mouth.

Whitney: It’s about time you start acting more like Christian Grey. (Reference to 50 Shades of Grey?)

I am not even sure what it means, but I am certain that this is why women were not allowed to read books for years….(I am not sure whether women were actually precluded from reading, but right now, it seems like I would have been pro—women-no-read amendment).

Recently, I was forced to cancel plans at the last second that we had made with our friends. The plans were to include an entire weekend. I already felt bad, but it had to be done, and there is no good way to do this.

Whitney: I can deal with it, but you know you just ruined their anniversary. This is the one weekend they have away from their kids to celebrate their love for one another……

I was in the depths of despair at this point, and upon seeing our friends later that day I was extremely apologetic. Our friend, we’ll call her Angela to protect her identity, 1) was fine and actually stated it worked out so she could spend time with her daughter, and 2)relayed to me her anniversary was actually nowhere close to occurring.

I looked to my wife who calmly responded, “I knew you had ruined something, but I was just unsure what it was……”

These are the words that echo as the zombie rips the final board from the window. The fog and the night force themselves through the shards of glass and across my broken sill. These thieves, pilfering the light and warmth from my house, leave me there huddling, shaking with terror against the corner of my now over-run home. I resign myself to my fate. I know I am going to turn soon. Soon I will be undead and there is peace in my resignation…….

  1. Lisa says:

    I’ve been laughing about this blog for the last five minutes! Your wife wanted you to stop making her out to be such a good person, so you went and made her a zombie?! I’m not sure if that’s what she had in mind, lol! Thanks for writing another very entertaining post. 🙂

    • haphillips says:

      Lisa, I was absolutely going for this! I feel Ike it was probably too harsh, but my wife laughed…agree with you by the way, on my wife ever remarrying. I would haunt the man….I picture him using my stuff, what an asshole

  2. Mike says:

    Wonderful stuff, Heath. I bet you will score BIG points with the vaguely misogynistic comment about reading. I also thank you for protecting Whit’s identity.

  3. […] absolutely certain the Whitness, must be awesome.  Only someone who is awesome could be both a pregnant zombie AND a pregnant ninja […]

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