The Italian Job

Posted: May 16, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
Tags: , , , , ,

The only thing keeping me from a clean get away at this point is my wife. She has a conscience, and it ruins my plans, man. I don’t care who I hurt, or what relationships fall apart because of my actions, because I can’t stop. I love the feeling of getting away with it. I know I am going to do it the second I meet someone; it is going to happen—I am going to steal their Tupperware.

My wife and I were invited to a friend’s house this past weekend. Everything was perfect about the event—we laughed, we cried, we ate unbelievable snacks and meat. We drank spirits and ate till we had our fill. The food was amazing, and as is customary of terrific hosts, we were sent home with leftovers. Where our friends messed up, was in giving us the most terrific specimen of Tupperware I have ever had the privilege of witnessing. It was at that moment that I began concocting my plan to never return the vessel with which our wonderful friend had entrusted us. My mind moved a thousand miles an hour searching for exactly how I was going to pull this off. I was going to have to outwit my wife; however, she has been showing real signs of “pregnant brain” lately. Pregnant Brain has many symptoms, but the main one is sudden trouble completing routine actions. Because you don’t believe me, I have an illustration for you. Recently at Target, my wife was clearly asked by the cashier when she was due, to which she responded, “I am a teacher.” This is just one example of her current inability to tackle complex occurrences, like, say, participating in a superficial conversation. She is also easily distracted by shiny objects and sentences with words that rhyme….Either way, she really likes her friends (and I do too, but I love Tupperware), and her first reaction to anything is to do what’s right, which interferes with my Tupperware running. In my wife’s eyes repaying such a sincere and kind gesture with a random and seemingly unwarranted action as depraved as thievery would be unheard of. To me, it was exactly what was going to happen come hell or high water.

These poor, innocent victims of my cold longing to have really good Tupperware will be left wanting next time they have made too much for dinner and seek refuge for their leftovers. They will open the cabinet and swear to themselves they used to have a container that had a brown lid that would hold the exact amount of food they had left, but the container will be absent. Miles away, I will be frolicking around my house with my new and unbelievable container. It is sturdy and can hold anything. Rocks, frogs, tomorrow’s lunch, I have something that can hold it. It will be like the scene from The Grinch that Stole Christmas, minus the point where the “Grinch’s heart grew three sizes that day,” because my heart will be full of happiness and joy in my new Tupperware container.

Here I am three and half days past receiving my new Tupperware, and I am getting ready to eat my second meal out of it. God have pity on my soul.

Advertisements
Comments
  1. daughterdearest says:

    Pregnancy brain is real. I thought is was a joke or that thought I was immune, but I was wrong. I am a technical editor and it is my job to make sure technical information in our workbooks is correct. My ‘pregnancy brain’ inserted my due date as the publishing date in a workbook recently. Luckily, I’m the only one who cares about that date, and my boss has a child – which means he once had a pregnant woman around for 9 months. I really lucked out.

    • haphillips says:

      I like your name on here. Pregnancy Brain is the craziest thing I have ever seen!!!!

      • Shannon Hale says:

        Thanks for liking the name. When things were really bad with my mom, I had an ‘anonymous’ blog to vent. Things are better now. I need to change the name. It’ll be our secret. 😉 Except it isn’t secret now.

      • haphillips says:

        do you still blog, if so, I will follow you…quid pro quo, if you know what I am saying….plus, I will read them and enjoy them

      • Shannon Hale says:

        Not currently blogging, but I have considered starting again. If I do, it will probably be at Shanhale.com. Thanks your for the reciprocity! You blog is awesome to read, by the way. I like it a lot.

  2. Shannon Hale says:

    I blame grammatical errors on ‘pregnancy brain’.

  3. Lisa says:

    This story is hilarious! That pregnancy brain will turn into a “new baby won’t let me sleep but that’s okay because she’s so sweet I don’t want to sleep anyway” brain. The entertainment will last for awhile. 🙂

  4. […] He admits to stealing tupperware, and candy bars.  (I was never bold enough to steal candy bars, which forces me to live […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s