Losers Anonymous

Posted: May 15, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
Tags: , , , , , ,

Hi, my name is Heath, and I play for a softball team that loses; look at me, I am already trying to soften the blow.  I play for a team that is horrible and also loses.  On the two occasions when we were somehow victorious, we still managed to do it in a way that made me feel like a loser.  You know, we get so excited that we were winning that others can tell it must be a rare instance in our team’s pathetic lifespan.  I hit a homerun, which I don’t do often, but when I did, I actually apologized to the other team for prolonging their evening.  We lost that game by 19 runs.  My teammates know I feel this way, so I don’t write this under the pretense that they will seek retribution, but if they tried to seek retribution, they have proven they will likely lose in the process…just sayin’.

This isn’t a blog about softball, so for those of my 26 loyal readers now (increase of three from yesterday….) who thought it was going that way, stick around, it might change your life.  No, this is about personalities and people, and the way we deal with everything, I am just going to use my softball team as an illustration of human behavior. 

For Funners:  The team started out with 40 people, 30 of which were players, all out for fun, or “For Funners.”  What can we learn from people who are all out for fun in competitive sports?  These are the people who are just happy to be involved in something even if they have found a way to just kind of be in the way.  When placed in a position where their contribution will matter, these people tend not to understand they are in a position where their contribution will matter.  More importantly, people who are purely out to have fun struggle with what to do next.  Without prompting, individuals like this shut down when the pressure is on.  In life, you can count on these rock stars until they find something that is more fun.  Usually, these people quit showing up right about the time the people I describe next show their true colors.

Professional competitors:  These people cannot be in a room for prolonged periods with those I just discussed, but man do they think they can.  Another interesting characteristic of the Professional Competitors is that they never make mistakes; they appear to make mistakes, but when pressed for an explanation, it becomes abundantly clear that a For Funner set in motion a grouping of cataclysmic events resulting in the appearance of a mistake on the Professional Competitor’s part.  As a rule of thumb, Professional Competitors love to engage in trash talking, and they would prefer to do it against the other team; yet, on a team like mine, because we are stellar, this individual now begins a new quest:  They set out on a path to destroy the morale of the For Funners.  To onlookers, this is most amusing.  Professional competitors are relentless, and when left to their path of destruction, can cause irreparable damage.  A good example is a team like mine that started out with 40 players and currently struggles to field a team at all.  In real life, Professional Competitors are popular with most people, but no one wants to hang around them when they are drunk.  When doing any activity, Professional Competitors have done it before and most likely better than you have (in their own head).  Plus they were a) either all going to be professional quarterbacks, or b) were well on their way to a Division 1 scholarship that ended in tragic injury (or their hands were too small).    Profession Competitors get as much gratification from destroying their teammate’s morale as they do from winning.   

Dedicated Cheerleaders.  Lastly, this team has overly dedicated cheerleaders. These people are the worst people.  They scream for you regardless of how bad you are or how hellish the current game is.  The Dedicated Cheerleaders love the For Funners and seek them out for mates….These people think everything is awesome, and mistakes are just bad luck vice being indicative of pathetic performance.   Dedicated Cheerleaders shout the name of your team, and worse yet, your name, with conviction in their voices.  Who you are and what  you represent is now out there, and every time they do this, you cringe.  You cringe because you don’t want to be associated in the real world with your “out of work” losing lifestyle; you cringe because in the darkest recesses of your soul, you feel embarrassed that this is what you have become—a losing softball team player, and this is who you will be known as for the rest of eternity.  When you get introduced to people, they will recognize you as this, and you cannot run from this fate that you let happen.   “Aren’t you the guy on that team that was crying last night after you lost by 19?”  Ironically, the ones that escape this fate are the For Funners, who all quit before the identity had set in with the world.   Dedicated Cheerleaders are the annoying girlfriend you can’t seem to convince you broke-up with.  They never leave; they are the For Funners’ smirking revenge….

I already feel better.

I just wanted you to know, because I have been holding this in for years…..

  1. Haw haw!

    Great post! Thank you for sharing!

    … following your blog …

    ~ Oh God, My Wife Is German.

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