You Take the Good, You Take the Bad, You Take Them Both….

Posted: May 14, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories

and then you have the facts of life.  What I am about to convey to you are absolutes.  These words are truisms in every way, shape, or form, and they are meant to help you understand life.  After all, you came to this blog for a reason; you want insight, and insight is what I peddle.  I am not marketing you ideas that may or may not become a reality.  Instead, I am offering you cold hard realities that I learned by living through, sometimes on multiple occasions, and now I give them to you.  What you do with this knowledge is up to you.

 

1.        These are not the droids you are looking for………At some point in your life you will be manipulated by a teenager.  As a reformed manipulator of the adult species, I can tell you with deep conviction, your teenagers, right now, are not doing exactly what they have conveyed to you they were going to do.  They will be doing some form of what they conveyed, because they can rationalize their behavior away with gray areas.  But I promise you, your teenager is the devil; they just have you convinced they have a halo.  Teenagers exist for one reason, to find constant immediate gratification.  You are thinking, “Not my little Johnny, he is such a good kid, we go to church, he is involved in school sports, he has a girlfriend and they never even kiss…..”  Ma’am, your little Johnny is a bona fide Jedi, and you have been mind-tricked.  I am not saying these teenagers are criminals.  These teenagers are smart, over-achievers.  Unfortunately, they are hell bent on getting what they want.  So if you are currently being manipulated, sit back relax and start plotting your child’s undoing.  Have some fun with it, but don’t be naïve, your teenagers are liars.

2.       If you ever receive a sudden and unexpected windfall of money (not millions, because this won’t happen to you.  See Item 3), you will subsequently receive some similarly sudden and equally unexpected form of bill you cannot avoid and must pay now, which will be 17 dollars less than the windfall you received.  Net gain of 17 dollars people.  Don’t be disillusioned, this is still a good thing, but at the same time this sucks.  Firstly, 17 dollars.   You can buy five gallons of gas, which will get you back home and that’s it.  You can go to a movie, but you have to leave your wife in the car.  Secondly, the excitement that occurs when you get the money was not an excitement of “sweet, now if something breaks in the next couple of days, we can just use this to fix it.”  No, the excitement was a based on possibilities, people.  Now the only possibility is that you and your wife can go down to the McDonalds and get two extra value meals and substitute the drink for a milkshake.  The grand total of this excursion is 16.53 because your wife wanted bottled water, because she won’t drink tap water even though it is readily available and feels free.  47 cents left, yay.   

3.       You will never win the lottery.  Somebody will, but you will not.  Keep trying though if it gives you something to live for.  I know.  You are all crushed.  Again, you might say, “I know someone who won millions…”  People, if you know someone who won millions, it is even less likely that you will, because that is the way the universe works.  Additionally and as a universal rule, only people with an inclination to ride the white pony and an affinity for strip clubs win millions. 

4.        If you wash your car, it will rain.  Simple.

5.       If you get engrossed in a television series it will be cancelled.

6.       If you buy a new hose after your dog chews the old one up, and then after awhile of protecting it believe the dog has lost interest in tearing your hose apart, you are wrong.  That hose is all your dog is thinking about.  He is just waiting for you to revert back to being an inattentive owner. 

7.       There are people in this world that were put here solely to slow you down when you are in a hurry—unfortunately it is frowned upon to kill them.

8.       When a funeral procession goes by, you are supposed to stop and respect the dead; I hate when I feel anger at this moment, but then I remember it just may have been that person’s whole point in life to slow you down at that moment (see point 7), and I get angrier.

9.       People like Justin Bieber were put on this earth to bring you down right when you thought everything was going okay. 

10.   No show you will ever watch will be as good as Full House.

11.   No uncle will be as cool as Uncle Jesse was.

12.   However, the sister Stefanie was an idiot.

13.   Barring number 10, no show will ever be as good as Saved by the Bell.

14.   At some point in your life you will wish you had more kids so you could write them off as deductions during tax season.  This is normal.  On a similar note, even if you are straight laced and never break any rules, you will attempt by any means necessary (legal or not, lie or the truth) to get a bigger tax return.  Don’t feel guilty all 23 of you guys do it.

I just wanted you to know, because I have been holding it in for years.

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Comments
  1. Lisa says:

    This post had me laughing out loud! Well written and so true. 🙂

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