Being Married to a Pregnant Woman, Who is Also My Wife and Carrying My Child….

Posted: May 10, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
Tags: , , ,

and is also reading this can end badly for me, I know.  I discussed with her this morning that I was going to do this, and she seemed okay.  By okay, I mean she didn’t stop what she was doing and have the baby right there in the kitchen. 

My wife is understanding and supportive, she is always there and she likes me even when I am utterly unlikable (sometimes liking someone is harder than loving someone).  I won the wife lottery.  We hang around with each other, argue over how my hatred of Christina Aguilera is probably causing me more stress than it’s worth; we talk about important things like which animals are mammals and which ones don’t make the cut.  We go on walks and she talks about her day and I interject with random sounds illustrating my profound interest.  We go to movies together and get a large popcorn with lightly layered butter, and we split a soda-so romantic.  She doesn’t even force me to see dramas in the theater-I hear horrible stories of wives who force their man to see dramas in theaters.  Do people realize that a drama in a theater offers no improvement from a drama in your living room?  I am not implying dramas aren’t worth watching, o contraire, there are great movies, which also happen to be dramas.  Here are three:   A Few Good Men, Casa Blanca, and Dude, Where is my Car.  I just don’t see them in theaters.  A movie date costs about one human soul in dollars now, a drama, is not costing me one human soul in dollars.  Avengers is worth my soul / The Lucky One, not so much. 

Being married is good, it is comfortable and we like our routine.  We know each other and most importantly, we can be who we are. 

And then, on an unassuming Super Bowl Sunday, everything is suddenly different.  This Super Bowl Sunday was the outcome of some Martin Luther King Jr. Holiday fun.  The moral of the story:  Long weekends = pregnancy.  Now before you get all cray-cray, I wanted this little miracle, she is my little screaming mimi, she is going to make me lots of money one day as a professional baseball player.  So go back and re-read from “And then….” on with a better tone in your mind.

However, nobody has quite captured what it’s like being with a pregnant lady.  There is a movie where J-Lo is pregnant-this movie is way too soft on the truth.  The truth is simple.  Being married to a pregnant woman, who is also your wife and carrying your child, is a roller coaster ride of irrationality and whirl wind changes that can break the best of men.  You will be a hero, a handsome knight that strolled into your pregnant wife’s life and made it perfect.  You are more handsome than you have ever been.  You are the sweetest person she has ever meant and she will break into tears, start crying, right there tears, saliva, snot, the whole deal just to convey to you these emotions. 

Moments later and linked to the same emotions with which she just guaranteed you a spot in heaven, she will remind you, “who is the smart one in the relationship;” she will tell you that you don’t touch without the longing for sex; she will explain to you that this relationship is drifting apart, and then in mid-sentence, she will fall asleep.  She will wake up six days later and not even know who you are or what you are doing in her house. 

She will hold the entity growing in her belly against you (she may even call it a thing), this thing that has poisoned her and is pushing her to a young death.  She will wake up at 0430 (and she has never been awake at 0430-ever) and go make fried shrimp, but none are for you.  She will want you to take her to a nice restaurant for a lunch date and you will spend a lot of money, and then, she will want to rid her body of the disgusting food you forced upon her.  And so you, in a moment of support, although you are a visual puker, hand her a bag.  Her convulsions stop, only momentarily, so that she can point out to you that the bag you handed her smells of potatoes.  The bag will be held against you for the rest of the day.  She will then vomit relentlessly and make the sounds you would hear in the catacombs of hell, and best of all she will turn the radio down so she can concentrate on this action; she will also turn the radio down so you can concentrate on this action and think about what you did……

She will remind you of how your life hasn’t changed and how easy this must be for you-how simple things have been for you since the “incident.”  And you are guilty.  She is absolutely right.  Are you getting what I am saying here?

I tell my wife, that husbands of pregnant wives live for the moments when we are awesome.  It is like this sadistic longing to be valued by the person who we know in moments is going to grab us by the ears and try to rip the skin from our skulls with a verbal barrage unparalleled by any battle of any war. 

She will remind you that you forgot to tell her, “happy 18 weeks!”  And then you realize that there are like 38 weeks of this to make it through.  

The moment I saw an ultrasound.  This singular most life changing instance I have ever lived through.   I was the first to see my girl, I was the first to watch this octopus looking creature navigate its way through a play area it made in my wife’s beautiful body, and I deserved it.  I realized all of the craziness and chaos was worth it, and maybe more importantly, all this brought us closer.   

My wife cried that day, and it was the first moment since conception she and I had the same emotion at the same time.

So, to my pregnant wife, who is also carrying my child, I just wanted to tell you this because I have been holding it in for 18 weeks, I love you.

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Comments
  1. Lelia Brady says:

    Yet again I am in awe of both your sensitivity and bold humor. You make an amazing team and your princess is fortunate to be a part of this journey. Please hug your beautiful wife “The Gunslinger”.

  2. C Michelle Smith says:

    I really enjoyed that…

  3. Pam says:

    I loved this I laughed I cried you should have be published in the news paper your view on anything and everything.
    Proud of you

  4. […] He passionately hates Christina Aquillera.  He’s actually wrong about this, but I don’t hold it against […]

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