Right Side of the Aisle Please: A guide to grocery store etiquette

Posted: May 9, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
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If you are going to write something, let it be something that you are passionate about I always say-from now on. 

With this sentiment in mind, we need to talk, all 15 of you.  Stop, read this and really let it settle for a moment because I believe we need to change the status quo.  We need to topple the current mindset that we are the only ones on this earth (this type of attitude should be reserved for the post-apocalyptic world I discussed yesterday).  Specifically, we need to address our behavior in grocery stores.  I want to outline a few areas that really need the most work; none of these are areas where I need to improve, but pretty much where everybody else is severely lacking.  The following are things to avoid while at the grocery store:

1)  The awkward goodbye after running into someone you know early on in a grocery store outing.

This is easily one of the most common and yet difficult instances that we run into as a collective of food seeking shoppers.  You walk in to the store and pick out the best cart you can, although during the shopping session, you will inevitably regret your cart selection because it will have some horrible defect that causes the right side of your body to tire out before your left.  You actually have to push in a 45 degree angle to the cart to get it to go straight.  After this, you run into your neighbor, someone who is your friend, but not quite a real good friend.  Like the kind of friend you lied to recently to avoid going to their Pampered Chef party.  You exchange pleasantries, ask them how their lawn is so green, tell them that their kid keeps coming up and ringing your door and then running off, and then you both say goodbye and part ways. 

Little did you know that the rest of your trip is going to change so dramatically that you should have gone home before it started.  At first, it is kind of funny.  You turn down the bread aisle, oops there she is again….you both laugh and say in some goofy low toned voice, “hey, we already said goodbye, weird seeing you here….”  That is when the gloomy realization hits, this is going to happen on every aisle; it’s a sinking feeling; you could throw up; it’s right there in your throat.  You take evasive action:  Act like you are deeply contemplating which canned mushrooms are the most nutritious.  You actually read the label and learn that mushrooms offer little nutritional value.  It’s time to move on.  You even skip aisles to avoid your neighbor; you find yourself hating her and now it seems she has all of the same items on her list that you have….Toilet Paper, are you kidding me what are the chances….

2)  Person who thinks it’s okay to open something and eat it before they check out.

I don’t know why, but I am absolutely sure that this maneuver can get you arrested.  People who do this have no soul.  Of note, sometimes, in a moment of rebellion, I like to take a piece of candy from that Brach’s Candy thing and not leave the required change for a sample.  The adrenalin rush is out of control. 

3)  Awkward recipe pusher:

This person sees you buying ribs and then decides that whatever you were going to do to prepare them just wasn’t going to cut it.  His recipe, which you jotted down on the back of a receipt you had in your wallet, is still in the back of your wallet. The ribs have been frozen for two months because all they do is remind you of that horrible moment in the grocery store.  

4)  Person who pays with a check.

C’mon people, it is the new millennium.

5)  Person who buys more than two six packs of soda….creepy

6)  Person who hovers around samples

This does not pertain to me, because I love me some samples.  This statement could be more aptly written, person who is stealing samples from me.

7)  People who are handing out samples and then get aggravated you don’t purchase the item they are peddling like they are only operating on commission.

These people need to remember what it like to be the person receiving samples.  These people are like the 1 percenters….I just want to taste your delicious sample; I don’t want to work for it.

Take the aforementioned as help to get you through the difficult process of grocery shopping.

I just wanted you to know this because I have been holding it in for years.


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