Seven Effective Habits of the Highly Awesome

Posted: May 4, 2012 in Pregnant Wife Stories
Tags: , , ,

1.  When at the movies, there is a person who tears the ticket in half and then gives me point to point directions to the theater that will house the movie I paid a fair price to see.  They have a habit of telling me, “Enjoy the movie,” to which I errantly say, “you too.”  These punk teens are setting a trap to make me look stupid.  I guess the reply should be “thank you,” and then I should head on my merry way, but that doesn’t seem sufficient because this guy just got personal with me about the movie I’m going to see.  Plus, if someone takes the time to hope something positive happens in your life, you want to take a second and give them the same nicety in return.  So, from now on I am going to say, “Enjoy tearing those tickets.”  Except this sounds condescending and mean, and will no doubt get my popcorn spat in, which will lead to that moment during the movie when you put the kernel of corn into your mouth and it is soggy, but not the soggy like from too much butter; instead, it’s the soggy like you are sharing this bucket of deliciousness with a five year old who just likes to lick the damn pieces and put them back in. 

2.  I have a secret.  If there is a problem with my vehicle and it is any more difficult  or involved than a tire or oil change, I, unlike most “real” men, initially just want to trade the car in or leave it on the side of the road somewhere.  I blame this on my father for letting me run around like a reckless gypsy doing whatever I wanted instead of forcing me to help him fix vehicles, and now look where I am, Dad, a poetry reading, 17th Century Literature guy who can explicate the hell out of a Shakespearean sonnet, but cannot even locate the oil filter on my vehicle.  A great case in point was when my motorcycle had this issue with turning off and on while driving it.  Going 70mph and the damn thing would shut off and then, due to the momentum of going this fast, push start itself in mid drive–this made for an exercise in not dying.  So I trouble shot it by pushing things and jiggling other things.  I took the seat off of the bike, put it back on and then looked at the bike with satisfaction like I had somehow reassembled the thing from nothing ( I secretly believed this would fix the problem).  In the end, I take it to the dealer (probably hoping to just trade it in) 75 dollars in labor later, the mechanic, a man half my size and with delicate hands says, “sounds like your battery cable is loose,” and in a smug manner relays that he is only going to charge me half price because the problem probably could have been fixed if I just asked my mommy for help.  He told me he tightened it by hand……….thanks Dad.  Adding to all of this, now, I have a lovely wife who has been around one of the handiest guys in the world her entire life, in the form of her father.  On multiple occasions, she has had the hard realization that unless the car will magically fix itself while I read in perfect Iambic Pentameter, it will probably not happen. 

3.  I pretend that I am letting the lawn grow and tell my neighbors that I am letting the roots set in, when I, in fact, am being lazy.  No explanation needed.

4.  When in most public restrooms, I have a real debate about washing my hands.  Not because I am dirty; it is actually quite the opposite.  I don’t touch anything in there because I believe the place is dirtier than my junk…just saying.  In the end I wash my hands because society imposes this upon me, but it is always under protest.

5.  I tend to think most people are guilty of anything of which they are accused, unless they are a pretty girl.  Pretty girls don’t commit crimes, but wide eyed girls do.  If you are a wide eyed girl or a man, you don’t want me on your jury.  

6.  I am a good public speaker, but lately while public speaking my right nostril has started this awesome thing of running pretty profusely.  Now, I look like a public speaker in a bad relationship with cocaine.

7.  Receive, recieve, no.  Recieve, no.  Receive.  Wait, that’s not right.  Receeve.  No.  Receave.  No, receive….yes.  Affect or effect–I am going to Google it.

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